During my teenage years, I went through a lot of pain and challenges that used to really inspire me to write music from that
place. I used to draw a lot from that place and paint from that place. It gave me the sense of fight and heart to achieve and propelled the drive in me to succeed and do my best at anything and everything that I should come across in life.
However, in recent years, the challenges that I’ve had to face have been so intense that I struggled and still do, to write sometimes or to express in writing what it is that I feel, how I feel and even communicate in song-writing what I feel. Don’t get me wrong, I have written a number of songs during this process and enough to school 2 albums but, that’s not necessarily what I’m talking about.
Sometimes it feels like I’ve lost that drive and sense of passion that fuelled me in times of great trial to write music and/or paint regularly. I started to feel guilty about feeling this way and would pray and ask God to forgive me. But he would ask me ‘what for?’ (He is so gracious and kind)I would reply, ‘for feeling so apathetic’. Opportunities after opportunities appear to have presented themselves over and over for me to really grab hold and press forward. However, the very thought of pushing made me feel tired and stressed out before I even started. And I guess that is what one would feel if the trial you’re in is stressful enough as it is. I would give excuses and beat myself up for the excuses I made and read article after article both Christian and mainstream literature and all appear to make one feel like if you just grab the opportunity and change your mindset you’ll make it. But, that really wasn’t it for me.
The more I read, the more apathetic I began to feel. And in all of this, I would pray, and be singing or not sing; worshipping or not worshipping and just being….there. I still had this growing frustration as to why haven’t I broken out yet. In all of this, I kept choosing love. I would use love to try and overcome these feelings. Love. the core of every being. It was the only (and is the only) core factor that is sustaining me. God is Love.
What provoked me most was reading Ed Sheeran’s story and then listening to his album today. The whole thing kicked my song-writing heart and musical brain that I really could see the possibility of me really doing this. Breaking forth in whatever, music, aromatherapy or whatever it is I am called to but, my heart sank and something just shut down within me. Tiredness. Just a low drop. Like, I couldn’t really move past ‘go‘. Now it was really bugging me. You see, for ages, I’ve been trying to find the right words to communicate what my body and mind was trying to communicate. So I talked with mum. She’s just the best. In talking with mum about what I was feeling and experiencing, I finally had an epiphany. I finally found the words that understood what I was feeling. I was able to articulate and vocalise them with mum and she understood me wholeheartedly.
It was a revelation to me and acknowledging that truth helped me release it to God and ask him to help me process that out and inspire me to write again. ‘What was that revelation?‘ you ask? that revelation was this: I can’t and don’t draw inspiration from pain so much anymore. I just don’t. It seems alien and foreign to me now that something so cruel as the level of pain one endures should become ‘inspiration‘ to write or paint. I don’t know why I feel that way but I just do. Moreover, It’s coming from the place of probably deep seated hurt as well as physical pain and tiredness. I am tired. or feel tired rather. Exhausted.
Nevertheless, I declare that I am energised and full of life and strong with no compromise. I will catch the wind as Melissa Helser so rightly declares. I had to share it with you all as it broke something in me that it needed to be communicated.
There are others like me, here on this page, or wherever you are, that feel the exact same thing and feel like ‘the wind’s been knocked right out of you‘ from being able to achieve and succeed with what your dreams and desires are. But I say to you, never give up and never stop dreaming. Acknowledge where you are at. Seek counsel and help. Ask for God’s help. Then, start from where you are at. I am thankful that I can now recognise where I’m at and love myself and allow Christ’s love to reinspire and motivate me to do what I love.
For those of you who believe in prayer, when you think of me please pray for me. And for the haters praying against me, like Balam, let your ‘curses‘ be turned to ‘blessings‘ in your mouth. Amen! ;p Peace.