As I sit here, it is 04:30am in the morning and I haven’t slept a wink! My days are increasingly difficult with sleep that my body clock doesn’t seem to fully compute the day from night. Dealing with chronic pain on a daily basis makes … Continue reading Process! Process! Process!
“…We refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. And so, we’ve come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice…
During my teenage years, I went through a lot of pain and challenges that used to really inspire me to write music from that place. I used to draw a lot from that place and paint from that place. It gave me the sense of … Continue reading When dreaming becomes an Epiphany…
It’s about time I blogged again. Pure prose. No pictures. Just talk.
I have been fighting the urge to write for over a year now. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to properly document my ideas and thoughts. I thought whatever I write it won’t be enough.
There is always a critic waiting to criticise you and your performance without prior knowledge of your growth and process or of the way you think. There will always be the one person who will encourage you too but you freeze under the weight of self-unbelief. There is an inner mockery of voices tormenting your mind and the external pen poisoned messages eat through the pores of an aching soul. There is always the unspoken silent screams and the constructive voices that help you navigate your growth. And, the perpetual sounds of all these voices are directing your growth that the inner voice keeps silent or speaks that you can’t even hear.
Well, today, I am tired. I am tired of these thoughts and voices. I am tired of feeling like I’m not enough even though the truth is I AM. I am ENOUGH. I’m tired of feeling like I have to do something to receive love. Or feeling that I’m only loved because I’m down or because I’ve done something good for someone so now they feel they ought to Love me yet view me as a burden overtime. Or loved out of obligation because “God says we should Love”.
Yet when they love, they withdraw it over time. I hate the withdrawal. Especially of love. Excuses like “I’m busy” or “sorry I just can’t” (Even though I’m most understanding of the circumstances). When the heart of another begins to withdraw and invest elsewhere leaving you wanting, wanting, wanting…
The Longing of Love. The validation of Love. The needing of Love. Now I start to look needy. Not a good look ey? Not enough. “Oh no you’re not a burden!” They say. Hmmm. Well we’ll see. I feel like a burden. I’m having to change my speech. Change me to be received and loved as enough. You withhold the secrets of your heart that you once shared regularly with me. We shift. We change. You withdraw. Withdraw. Withdraw. You lie “I’m just busy!” You wait for me to ask, ask, ask. And in my asking, though I receive, it’s done out of a sense of obligation. I wear your ear out. Yes, I talk too much. That’s me. Yes I chat nonsense. That’s me. I’m border-lining heresy. Yet I walk in the Truth. That’s me. My thoughts have gone crazy wild. That’s me.
That’s Wilderness me. That’s not inner me. I am Love. I am Light. I am Goodness. In the right environment I thrive but this is part of building ‘me’. The wilderness me is my building site me. It’s my quarry. It’s the war. It’s the dessert. If you can’t hack it out til the end, fall by the way side with the doubters and shakers. Leave the wilderness. I am not alone. Never Alone. Abba is with me. Always has been and always will be.
When He sees me, I am enough to him. I’ve always been enough. And from being enough, to making me more enough. Turning my enough to more than enough. Because He loves me as I am and bringing out who I am. I AM ENOUGH. There are others like me. I’m not alone in my wilderness or journey. They too, are enough. Enough. Enough. I accept. Please accept. We are ENOUGH.
As ever Keeping it Real, Peace!
The Elected Lady xx
I feel like I have been climbing a mountain for a very long time …
I came across a story yesterday that has resonated loudly in the silence of my heart and I don’t know how I missed it! I discovered it on searching through Child Prodigy Akiane Kramarik’s paintings. For a long time now I’ve not been able to articulate the thousand musings of different topics that have constantly raged through my thoughts; and have dominated my moods of expression on paper for fear of being judged by those very feelings and thoughts, and the people that read them. Thia is why this story means so much. In fact, reading this story on one of Akiane’s paintings stunned me and vibrated a deep truth yet simple illustrated in the best way I know how in the form of storytelling which has started to open me up again and prepare my tongue as ‘a pen of a ready writer’. Storytelling is a most beloved childhood favourite. Therefore, I thought it only best to share this story with you. I just couldn’t keep it to myself and let facebook have it alone!
Let it bless you as it has me! Oh and a… Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays!
Akiane Kramarik shares the story as follows…:
“Once upon a time, in an island there lived six feelings and emotions: Happiness, Knowledge, Love, Sadness, Richness and Vanity. One day they discovered that the island began sinking! So all of them built boats and canoes and left, one by one. Except for Love. Love wanted to delay abandoning her beloved island as long as possible.
When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help.
Richness was passing by Love in a boat. Love asked, “Richness, can you take me with you?”
Richness answered, “Sorry, Love, I can’t. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat, so there is no place here for you. With both of us in here we will sink for sure.”
Love next asked Vanity who was also sailing by, but Vanity offered the same answer.
“I can’t help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat,” Vanity answered.
Sadness was close by, so Love asked, “Sadness, take me along with you.”
“Oh . . . Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!”, sadness said in a gloomy voice.
Happiness passed by Love, too, but she was so preoccupied with her happiness that she did not even hear when Love called her.
Suddenly, there was a voice, “Come, Love, I will take you.”
It was an elder with a tattered head scarf. An overjoyed Love jumped into the boat. When they arrived at a dry land, the elder went her own way.
Love looked around and saw the Knowledge who was the first to have landed there a while ago.
“Who Helped me?” Love asked.
“It was Time,” Knowledge answered.
“Time? Why time?” Love was surprised.
“Because only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is.” The Knowledge smiled. “
As ever and always Keeping it Real!
The Elected Lady xx
Often times we may feel others have been placed around us as scaffolding to help us in our hour of being “under-construction”. However, have we ever stopped to think that we are sometimes scaffolding for other people? If we take time to assess the purposes … Continue reading Are you Scaffolding?
How y’all doing? I’m in process on the road to recovery so I trust you’ve kept yourself amused in the meantime! 🙂 It’s been a while and now is the time I feel I have something to share that has been marinating in my thoughts today.
Sometimes, when we’re on the verge of breakthrough we often give up and while it’s a cliche many know this to be a fact and have even given many motivational speeches on it. So I thought I’d share some of my inner musings, here are my thoughts…humor me a few moments:
One of the major reasons we often dont see or experience breakthrough in our lives or in our situations has often got anything to do with (well most of the time) the size of our bank account; the devil; our background; or even how hard or easy, or lazy we’ve worked, or even the advice or counsel we’ve listened to… These options are merely only partial contributions. Yup. I called the devil a partial contribution. Here’s why…
One of the biggest reasons why we do not see, is because so often we’re asleep inside. We’re not awake to the potential that lays dormant within or lays untapped because we can’t see it. Moreover, we disqualify ourselves before the jury can even say we’re guilty or not. How? We do this by the way we condemn ourselves in the name of “humility” and “killing the flesh” and “break down your pride!” (which by the way is false and its a form of pride in itself – There is no glory in self-condemnation as it still elevates self where negatively or positively).
We often cancel out our breakthrough by what we speak over our own selves, and consequently becomes slaves to our own perceptions which are already distorted and self-limiting and for that, the devil doesn’t need a helping hand for we go do it all by our self. By this, we insult our true identities and our true Value that God has placed on the inside of us by adopting lies and lesser views of who we are out of fear that we are overstepping the mark…
We condemn ourselves over the tiniest mistake in our quest for perfection and find ourselves falling short of the unattainable mark, even when it is in our ability to do so. We even strive in excess to the detriment, of our soul which is left in shattered pieces…
Pieces. Pieces of your life that we’d rather hide and bury in shame and like Adam – carrying the “fig-leaf syndrome” of trying to fix it ourselves.
If we got rid of self-condemning words and lies and just got back to knowing who we really are in Jesus, and got to know our true potential and valued as loved treasure and a precious human being whether created or not, we would hear clearly that voice tell you “why are you condemning yourself? Do I condemn you?” and you can respond appropriately. This was what happened to me this evening. I heard these very words and found myself repenting and had to forgive myself whilst I sought forgiveness for thinking ill of me just because I dialed the number of a guy I wanted to speak to who was going through stuff, whilst I was going through the Mill of recovery myself in tandem.
You see, the reality is Self-condemnation is not cool. It is destructive. No matter how glamorous it is dressed, it is fake and it destroys our confidence in not just ourselves, but in the One who Created us for GLORY, LOVE and Good Works. By deconstructing its ability to work in our lives by recognising how condemnation speaks, then we can stop it at the door before it can even gain entry and begin to unlock our keys to our breakthrough. Breakthrough is on the way no matter how small. Elijah just need a fist of cloud. How much more you?
Thanks for taking the time to read. As ever, Keeping it real…
The Elected Lady,
Got some stuff I need to get off my chest family this Monday morning:
Don’t for one second assume that just because someone is on fb or uses social media a lot (or all the time) that their life is cushty. Even if you’re concerned how about find out how you can help them and not just criticise their way of life. Even if They may even be vocal about it. If you don’t like it and think its cool for them and u think their excessive use is bothering you press the delete button or if u dont want to unfriend them then unsubscribe. unfollow. its not hard!
Don’t even assume that even if everything is okay with them that just because you may not handle your pain or your issues the same way that their way is not the right way either. you may not want people around you the same way others want people around them. Don’t assume for one second that your remedy fits all. Yes your world may not evolve around them and yes you may even be very busy and that is fine! its not by force! But, don’t start saying things that u don’t know for a fact!
Don’t assume that their behaviour is “attention-seeking” just ’cause that’s what it may seem to look like. And even if it is the case what is your issue? Don’t expect that person to change coz they don’t conform to your ideologies of how a person should carry themselves with so-called “dignity”. Especially when you know that if you’re going through something and they knew they’d be there for you in a heartbeat, then do the same. If you can’t its fine. People have genuine reasons.
Don’t assume that just because you have principles that someone’s is the same as you and that they should understand because they won’t coz all they’ll see is they needed you and you weren’t there. We are all at different stages of our journey. Even if they are melodramatic and a BIT EXTRA and WEIRD and TOO MUCH and ANNOYING and INTENSE its coz their crying out for help with genuine support and they don’t understand why they are where they are. Their life may be intense so if you can’t handle it butt out and don’t judge. Or just PRAY. Text. Call. show you care. Don’t wait for them to text you before you find out how its going.
Even if you don’t do all those things, it doesn’t matter but the worst part is don’t start behaving like Job’s friends who accuse him and make him feel like he’s the one in the wrong and being extra and its somehow is fault he’s walking through what he’s going through in the name of God and start telling them a bit about themselves when their down!! Even for an animal that’s a low blow!
Even if they are healing up, its a long road to healing. You haven’t walked a mile in their shoes so say nothing and just be there. Especially when you want to use them for your own ends and have them be there for you and do all the stuff they do to please you. Don’t tell them you LOVE THEM and NOT SHOW IT!!! PROVE IT!!! I’ve had a Difficult Night so I am sorry If I sound “EXTRA”! GOOD MORNING AND HAVE A BLESSED MONDAY!
Keeping it Real,
The Elected Lady xx