As I sit here, it is 04:30am in the morning and I haven’t slept a wink! My days are increasingly difficult with sleep that my body clock doesn’t seem to fully compute the day from night. Dealing with chronic pain on a daily basis makes the welcome feelings of sleepiness and tiredness dissipate and evaporate. And while I can feel the pressure behind my eyes of eye-strain and headaches (even with glasses on), I am wide awake trying to process my life. When it’s day I long for the night. When night comes, I long for the day! The whole process is arduous at best and total torture at worst…

 

 

For a long time, I have struggled to gain a sense of consistency especially in my writing and documenting my journey (I sound like a resounding gong because most of my recent posts start with this fact). Moreover, it’s been even more of a challenge to actually process my thoughts without talking about it. I’m a verbal processor. It’s what I do. To be honest, I prefer it to typing/writing etc. I can talk to my heart’s content and yet bizarrely, I don’t really like the sound of my own voice! In fact, I’ve even researched looking to get some level of elocution lessons just to neaten my ‘accent’ a bit. Silly, I know but hey ho. 

I digress… 

A huge part of the difficulty was being able to be totally honest and expose my heart in a way that I felt people didn’t need to see or read or even participate in because the process is so personal and so painful and yet have moments of exhilarating joy. 2017 saw a lot of things happen including a weekend away which resulted in the miraculous taking place in my life yet again but, it has also seen me fight to stay alive; stay positive and stay in faith. 2017 saw my emotions become so much more raw that it resulted in a season of counselling that spanned 5-6 months (with a few weeks in between some sessions because of annual leave etc – on the part of the counsellor). It also saw me in and out of hospital and appointments. It saw me sit in Pain Psychology trying to work out how and why pain affects me the way it does. To be honest it makes no sense to me so sometimes I wonder why I bother! 

When one has to contend with a rare pain disorder coupled with a neurological condition, mixed with a cocktail of endometriosis, adenomyosis and Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (amongst other things), it can feel like an uphill struggle and battle. In fact, it sometimes feels like I’m processing the fact that I’m fighting a mammoth or Goliath-in-waiting. I AM TIRED. I really am. I am tired of fighting. Tired of taking 23 tablets of medicine on a daily basis. However, I don’t give up because I’m not a quitter but boy is I so close! I can’t think, or speak or just do anything. Today has been really hard and I feel like I’ve earned the right to sit in a pity party but I refuse to entertain a pity party. It’s just not my style. 

Even in the midst of what feels like darkness, I really do believe and feel like I am getting closer to the end of this process and being closer to the end inevitably causes one to psychologically feel more stress and tiredness. I just need the one more blow. The devil will forever regret the day he touched me. Forever. More than that, I have had some really good highlights for 2017. 

I now have my own radio show at radiodacorum.org.uk on Thursday afternoons!! Now that was a massive opportunity that has been an incredible blessing and an outlet for me! Then, we moved house last year and now I have more of my own space. I am truly blessed to have the mother that I have who fights for our family every day. I have no clue where I would be (other than God) without her. My Mum. My Hero. My rock after Jesus. So I have a lot to be thankful and grateful for. Because of this truth, I choose to focus on this reality and focus on the good. Focus on what’s good about the process. Yet I ache. I hurt. I hurt. I hurt. There is a Balm in Gilead…

Look, there’s no flow or structure to this post. This is simply me being able to pour out some of my thoughts at now 04.58am in the morning because I can’t sleep and my brain is running overtime! I’m sat here with my headset on listening to Jason Upton who is keeping me amazing company with songs of hope and ease when I am feeling at one of my lowest. 

If you ever read my posts, thank you. Thank you for following me these few years from when I first started blogging. Thank you for joining my journey, even though it’s been a bit disjointed. Thank you for your patience with me. I miss me. I miss being the creative me. I miss having drive and energy. I often find myself mourning me. But I’ll find me in God. He’s got me. I’ll resurrect and find the new and improved me when this is all over…

The words of a late night/early morning musing:

Forever Keeping it REAL,

Elected Lady!

Peace xx