As I sit here, it is 04:30am in the morning and I haven’t slept a wink! My days are increasingly difficult with sleep that my body clock doesn’t seem to fully compute the day from night. Dealing with chronic pain on a daily basis makes … Continue reading Process! Process! Process!
“…We refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. And so, we’ve come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice…
During my teenage years, I went through a lot of pain and challenges that used to really inspire me to write music from that place. I used to draw a lot from that place and paint from that place. It gave me the sense of … Continue reading When dreaming becomes an Epiphany…
It’s about time I blogged again. Pure prose. No pictures. Just talk.
I have been fighting the urge to write for over a year now. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to properly document my ideas and thoughts. I thought whatever I write it won’t be enough.
There is always a critic waiting to criticise you and your performance without prior knowledge of your growth and process or of the way you think. There will always be the one person who will encourage you too but you freeze under the weight of self-unbelief. There is an inner mockery of voices tormenting your mind and the external pen poisoned messages eat through the pores of an aching soul. There is always the unspoken silent screams and the constructive voices that help you navigate your growth. And, the perpetual sounds of all these voices are directing your growth that the inner voice keeps silent or speaks that you can’t even hear.
Well, today, I am tired. I am tired of these thoughts and voices. I am tired of feeling like I’m not enough even though the truth is I AM. I am ENOUGH. I’m tired of feeling like I have to do something to receive love. Or feeling that I’m only loved because I’m down or because I’ve done something good for someone so now they feel they ought to Love me yet view me as a burden overtime. Or loved out of obligation because “God says we should Love”.
Yet when they love, they withdraw it over time. I hate the withdrawal. Especially of love. Excuses like “I’m busy” or “sorry I just can’t” (Even though I’m most understanding of the circumstances). When the heart of another begins to withdraw and invest elsewhere leaving you wanting, wanting, wanting…
The Longing of Love. The validation of Love. The needing of Love. Now I start to look needy. Not a good look ey? Not enough. “Oh no you’re not a burden!” They say. Hmmm. Well we’ll see. I feel like a burden. I’m having to change my speech. Change me to be received and loved as enough. You withhold the secrets of your heart that you once shared regularly with me. We shift. We change. You withdraw. Withdraw. Withdraw. You lie “I’m just busy!” You wait for me to ask, ask, ask. And in my asking, though I receive, it’s done out of a sense of obligation. I wear your ear out. Yes, I talk too much. That’s me. Yes I chat nonsense. That’s me. I’m border-lining heresy. Yet I walk in the Truth. That’s me. My thoughts have gone crazy wild. That’s me.
That’s Wilderness me. That’s not inner me. I am Love. I am Light. I am Goodness. In the right environment I thrive but this is part of building ‘me’. The wilderness me is my building site me. It’s my quarry. It’s the war. It’s the dessert. If you can’t hack it out til the end, fall by the way side with the doubters and shakers. Leave the wilderness. I am not alone. Never Alone. Abba is with me. Always has been and always will be.
When He sees me, I am enough to him. I’ve always been enough. And from being enough, to making me more enough. Turning my enough to more than enough. Because He loves me as I am and bringing out who I am. I AM ENOUGH. There are others like me. I’m not alone in my wilderness or journey. They too, are enough. Enough. Enough. I accept. Please accept. We are ENOUGH.
As ever Keeping it Real, Peace!
The Elected Lady xx
This evening I ended up in a massive argument (quite hostile actually- I hate to think what the neighbours were thinking- and if you are one of my neighbours I profusely apologise for the excessive amounts of shouting that was expressed and for any disturbances … Continue reading Loyalty and Offence – not so clear cut
Hi guys! Today I want to talk about Fathers. I know…too late considering British Father’s days ended on Sunday. To be honest, I didn’t write that day as I had a lot to think about which has led me to write today… As you can … Continue reading Fathers, Fathers, Fathers….