As I sit here, it is 04:30am in the morning and I haven’t slept a wink! My days are increasingly difficult with sleep that my body clock doesn’t seem to fully compute the day from night. Dealing with chronic pain on a daily basis makes … Continue reading Process! Process! Process!
When dreaming becomes an Epiphany…
During my teenage years, I went through a lot of pain and challenges that used to really inspire me to write music from that place. I used to draw a lot from that place and paint from that place. It gave me the sense of … Continue reading When dreaming becomes an Epiphany…
I AM ENOUGH
It’s about time I blogged again. Pure prose. No pictures. Just talk.
I have been fighting the urge to write for over a year now. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to properly document my ideas and thoughts. I thought whatever I write it won’t be enough.
There is always a critic waiting to criticise you and your performance without prior knowledge of your growth and process or of the way you think. There will always be the one person who will encourage you too but you freeze under the weight of self-unbelief. There is an inner mockery of voices tormenting your mind and the external pen poisoned messages eat through the pores of an aching soul. There is always the unspoken silent screams and the constructive voices that help you navigate your growth. And, the perpetual sounds of all these voices are directing your growth that the inner voice keeps silent or speaks that you can’t even hear.
Well, today, I am tired. I am tired of these thoughts and voices. I am tired of feeling like I’m not enough even though the truth is I AM. I am ENOUGH. I’m tired of feeling like I have to do something to receive love. Or feeling that I’m only loved because I’m down or because I’ve done something good for someone so now they feel they ought to Love me yet view me as a burden overtime. Or loved out of obligation because “God says we should Love”.
Yet when they love, they withdraw it over time. I hate the withdrawal. Especially of love. Excuses like “I’m busy” or “sorry I just can’t” (Even though I’m most understanding of the circumstances). When the heart of another begins to withdraw and invest elsewhere leaving you wanting, wanting, wanting…
The Longing of Love. The validation of Love. The needing of Love. Now I start to look needy. Not a good look ey? Not enough. “Oh no you’re not a burden!” They say. Hmmm. Well we’ll see. I feel like a burden. I’m having to change my speech. Change me to be received and loved as enough. You withhold the secrets of your heart that you once shared regularly with me. We shift. We change. You withdraw. Withdraw. Withdraw. You lie “I’m just busy!” You wait for me to ask, ask, ask. And in my asking, though I receive, it’s done out of a sense of obligation. I wear your ear out. Yes, I talk too much. That’s me. Yes I chat nonsense. That’s me. I’m border-lining heresy. Yet I walk in the Truth. That’s me. My thoughts have gone crazy wild. That’s me.
That’s Wilderness me. That’s not inner me. I am Love. I am Light. I am Goodness. In the right environment I thrive but this is part of building ‘me’. The wilderness me is my building site me. It’s my quarry. It’s the war. It’s the dessert. If you can’t hack it out til the end, fall by the way side with the doubters and shakers. Leave the wilderness. I am not alone. Never Alone. Abba is with me. Always has been and always will be.
When He sees me, I am enough to him. I’ve always been enough. And from being enough, to making me more enough. Turning my enough to more than enough. Because He loves me as I am and bringing out who I am. I AM ENOUGH. There are others like me. I’m not alone in my wilderness or journey. They too, are enough. Enough. Enough. I accept. Please accept. We are ENOUGH.
As ever Keeping it Real, Peace!
The Elected Lady xx
Deconstructing Self- Condemnation (Reflection)
How y’all doing? I’m in process on the road to recovery so I trust you’ve kept yourself amused in the meantime! 🙂 It’s been a while and now is the time I feel I have something to share that has been marinating in my thoughts today.
Sometimes, when we’re on the verge of breakthrough we often give up and while it’s a cliche many know this to be a fact and have even given many motivational speeches on it. So I thought I’d share some of my inner musings, here are my thoughts…humor me a few moments:
One of the major reasons we often dont see or experience breakthrough in our lives or in our situations has often got anything to do with (well most of the time) the size of our bank account; the devil; our background; or even how hard or easy, or lazy we’ve worked, or even the advice or counsel we’ve listened to… These options are merely only partial contributions. Yup. I called the devil a partial contribution. Here’s why…
One of the biggest reasons why we do not see, is because so often we’re asleep inside. We’re not awake to the potential that lays dormant within or lays untapped because we can’t see it. Moreover, we disqualify ourselves before the jury can even say we’re guilty or not. How? We do this by the way we condemn ourselves in the name of “humility” and “killing the flesh” and “break down your pride!” (which by the way is false and its a form of pride in itself – There is no glory in self-condemnation as it still elevates self where negatively or positively).
We often cancel out our breakthrough by what we speak over our own selves, and consequently becomes slaves to our own perceptions which are already distorted and self-limiting and for that, the devil doesn’t need a helping hand for we go do it all by our self. By this, we insult our true identities and our true Value that God has placed on the inside of us by adopting lies and lesser views of who we are out of fear that we are overstepping the mark…
We condemn ourselves over the tiniest mistake in our quest for perfection and find ourselves falling short of the unattainable mark, even when it is in our ability to do so. We even strive in excess to the detriment, of our soul which is left in shattered pieces…
Pieces. Pieces of your life that we’d rather hide and bury in shame and like Adam – carrying the “fig-leaf syndrome” of trying to fix it ourselves.
If we got rid of self-condemning words and lies and just got back to knowing who we really are in Jesus, and got to know our true potential and valued as loved treasure and a precious human being whether created or not, we would hear clearly that voice tell you “why are you condemning yourself? Do I condemn you?” and you can respond appropriately. This was what happened to me this evening. I heard these very words and found myself repenting and had to forgive myself whilst I sought forgiveness for thinking ill of me just because I dialed the number of a guy I wanted to speak to who was going through stuff, whilst I was going through the Mill of recovery myself in tandem.
You see, the reality is Self-condemnation is not cool. It is destructive. No matter how glamorous it is dressed, it is fake and it destroys our confidence in not just ourselves, but in the One who Created us for GLORY, LOVE and Good Works. By deconstructing its ability to work in our lives by recognising how condemnation speaks, then we can stop it at the door before it can even gain entry and begin to unlock our keys to our breakthrough. Breakthrough is on the way no matter how small. Elijah just need a fist of cloud. How much more you?
Thanks for taking the time to read. As ever, Keeping it real…
The Elected Lady,
40 days of Thanksgiving
For the past 27 days I’ve been declaring things I am thankful for and
looking for something everyday to be grateful for. And I decided that for all those who don’t quite get all this thanksgiving I’m giving, here’s a quick brief overview.
Usually everyday, we all have something to complain about. There’s always something going wrong and if its not our life, its the weather or its the government or etc. And I realised that with some of the challenges that I’m currently facing that if I kept this ever growing cycle of complaining or moaning and grumbling (even though I have the right to) that I would become more miserable and the energy I release will be half the output I receive and it will kill the strength for me to pull through.
So I’ve known that the key usually to breakthrough is by thanksgiving, and seeing that this is the season of Thanksgiving (for mainly The United States of America) I felt it right that I should start a 14day challenge of saying thank you. But, as I continued with this challenge, I grew so use to it and it’s slowly but surely been changing my attitude towards each day! Although, it was hard at first! As a result of this realisation, I decided to increase it to 40-days and noticed that one of my favourite musicians and worship leaders from IHOP aka Jaye Thomas was doing the same thing and it provoked me to join in the battle for a WAR ON GRUMBLING.
You see the goal is to cultivate a culture of “Thanksgiving” which we’ve apparently seemed to have lost in this ‘god-forsaken’ world we live in currently. If we cultivate such a culture, imagine what it would be like…! Imagine the shift and transformation. The was I see it is as I commented on my friend’s comment on Facebook saying, ” jump on the band wagon. the more we get cultivating a culture of thanksgiving, the better [wecreate] the atmosphere [we live in], and the likely hood for us seeing greater miracles and experiencing personal transformation!”
So Why not join in on this war on grumbling? At least if it doesn’t change anything else, it will certainly change your attitude and your outlook on life Pain or Not! Thanks for taking the time to read! Peace! xx #warongrumbling
Keeping it Real,
The Elected Lady xx
Fathers, Fathers, Fathers….
Hi guys! Today I want to talk about Fathers. I know…too late considering British Father’s days ended on Sunday. To be honest, I didn’t write that day as I had a lot to think about which has led me to write today… As you can … Continue reading Fathers, Fathers, Fathers….
Yikes! I Lost my Passport!!
Have you ever found yourself in a sticky situation where you have only a few days to prepare yourself and you find that the most essential thing you need is missing? Well that was me this week. Well… at least for the past 24 hours. … Continue reading Yikes! I Lost my Passport!!
Here’s the 411: Keep Learning!
I guess today I’ve been quite frankly struck profoundly at the awesomeness of Learning. From the moment I woke up this morning, I have been having this thing in my Spirit and my heart that keeps crying out “Give me a teachable heart, and a … Continue reading Here’s the 411: Keep Learning!
Pressure: LET OUT SOME STEAM!!
Life is a bit like a Pressure cooker sometimes. For me, the past three weeks or the past month have been an intense ride and its felt like I’ve been put in a pressure cooker that I can’t come out of but gotta stay in … Continue reading Pressure: LET OUT SOME STEAM!!
Commissioned to Mission
So its becoming the same generic Where I start momentum to write yet slip into a season of writer’s block (which by the way feels like I’m still currently in) and not write anything for a long while. When oh when will I ever fully discipline myself to write more regularly? All I know is that I guess I’m someone who tends to write under inspiration and when I do it’s usually more poetic and in such circumstances, you cannot rush inspiration and you cannot rush creativity.
But, its not that time for the self-admonishing but rather a time to say, thank you to all those who have been reading, and commenting and liking my posts as its really encouraging and it gives me great pleasure knowing what you’re thinking and knowing how in some way my posts help. It is a blessing to have you guys listen to what I have to say…
This week, a young person asked me during Choir practice why I love Mission or going on Missions so much? I realise life’s journey itself is a mission. It’s about purpose. It’s what we’ve been created for. It’s that purpose that drives people to either write, sing, be creative, be academic, and come out with books like “The Purpose Driven Life” (Rick Warren) and articles like “The Spirit Driven Life”. (Just a quick side-note here: we are to be Spirit Led not Purpose Driven…being driven puts enormous pressure on one’s self but we ought to have purpose and be led by our Spirit for direction to fulfill that purpose.)
Purpose is Mission. You’ve been sent here for a task, a purpose, a mission. Whichever way we put it, we were born to do something or to be someone who we are and who we’ve been created to be. So for me, I love Mission. I love purpose. I love the idea and the reality of knowing I am here for something. I am here to contribute and display the beauty and the character of the One who created me and share my experiences and life.
As a person, I am very expressive emotionally and physically, which others may sometimes perceive as a weakness but its rather a strength. It takes strength to admit when your weak. It takes strength to explore areas of emotion that usually one fears because of the consequences of experiencing such emotions. It’s all a part of Becoming who we are and Becoming who we’ve been created to be.
Why do I do mission? I do mission because Mission is a way of life. And to narrow it’s context, what is my mission? My Mission is to do the Will of Him that sent me and to Finish it. That’s my mission. So whichever vehicle or form that takes to complete and fulfill my mission I will take it.
It’s why I can’t be put in a box. It’s why I have to be versatile. Fluid. Spirit-Led. Why do I do Mission? It’s because we’ve been Commissioned to Mission. I have a role and have a hand in the Great Commission of Life to Share the good news about the One who loved and Loves me and paid that Price for me, and I want others to encounter that Love I’ve experienced. That LOVE that I’m so passionate about. Yes. That LOVE. IT’S WHO HE IS.
So Where am I going? I don’t know but as I’ve always said from the beginning, this Life is a Marathon, not a Sprint and its a journey so my ultimate goal and journey is back to the One I love. The One I adore. The one who Hears. The One who Sees. That’s where I’m going and I’m taking others with me, as I enjoy the roller-coaster ride. As I let go of the reins and let Him Reign. Be Obedient. That’s my cry. So it’s what I’m doing. I am going to France and Germany on Mission this year working with young people because I love it. And with people in general. I love to travel. I wanted to be in Lebanon this year, but my Spiritual Satnav didn’t direct me there this year due to many different factors and I needed to remain here in the UK.
It turned out that it was very worthwhile that I didn’t go, although I miss Lebanon terribly and crazily. One of my young people died brutally last week. Was hit by a train. When I heard it, it felt like a punch to the stomach. I thought, “If this is what it feels like to me and he’s not even my blood or direct child, I’d hate to think and wonder what his mother must be going through!”
This kid, Charlie, was 16. He had purpose. He wanted to be a Civil engineer. It hit me hard. I realised that I needed to be there for the young people who were affected. And I realised that this was my newest Mission. This is my mission for the time being until the Lord says Switch. For those of you who’ve been following my facebook posts and Twitter posts, you’ll find that we’ve been doing anything we can in remembrance of this wonderful guy. Through being there and connecting with these young people, they have been open to receiving love and having encounters of their own and those who don’t want to know are also okay. It’s not my place to force them. But, It’s mine to Love them. However, I’ve had to work as a wounded soldier helping his other wounded comrades.
I feel I’ve taken bullets since this season called February began, where one mission ended and it felt like I lost a job and my heart to be frank, and then side-tracked mission which put me in danger, but the Lord rescued me miraculously. Yes. sound familiar?
Sounds like a Soldier. Sounds like an Ambassador. Sounds like each and every single one of us who are facing challenges and facing circumstances with a choice without no choice. Yes. Sounds like Mission. Sounds like life.
So Why do Mission? Again: We’ve been Commissioned to Mission.
Keeping it real as ever,
The Elected Lady xx