During my teenage years, I went through a lot of pain and challenges that used to really inspire me to write music from that place. I used to draw a lot from that place and paint from that place. It gave me the sense of … Continue reading When dreaming becomes an Epiphany…
Deconstructing Self- Condemnation (Reflection)
How y’all doing? I’m in process on the road to recovery so I trust you’ve kept yourself amused in the meantime! 🙂 It’s been a while and now is the time I feel I have something to share that has been marinating in my thoughts today.
Sometimes, when we’re on the verge of breakthrough we often give up and while it’s a cliche many know this to be a fact and have even given many motivational speeches on it. So I thought I’d share some of my inner musings, here are my thoughts…humor me a few moments:
One of the major reasons we often dont see or experience breakthrough in our lives or in our situations has often got anything to do with (well most of the time) the size of our bank account; the devil; our background; or even how hard or easy, or lazy we’ve worked, or even the advice or counsel we’ve listened to… These options are merely only partial contributions. Yup. I called the devil a partial contribution. Here’s why…
One of the biggest reasons why we do not see, is because so often we’re asleep inside. We’re not awake to the potential that lays dormant within or lays untapped because we can’t see it. Moreover, we disqualify ourselves before the jury can even say we’re guilty or not. How? We do this by the way we condemn ourselves in the name of “humility” and “killing the flesh” and “break down your pride!” (which by the way is false and its a form of pride in itself – There is no glory in self-condemnation as it still elevates self where negatively or positively).
We often cancel out our breakthrough by what we speak over our own selves, and consequently becomes slaves to our own perceptions which are already distorted and self-limiting and for that, the devil doesn’t need a helping hand for we go do it all by our self. By this, we insult our true identities and our true Value that God has placed on the inside of us by adopting lies and lesser views of who we are out of fear that we are overstepping the mark…
We condemn ourselves over the tiniest mistake in our quest for perfection and find ourselves falling short of the unattainable mark, even when it is in our ability to do so. We even strive in excess to the detriment, of our soul which is left in shattered pieces…
Pieces. Pieces of your life that we’d rather hide and bury in shame and like Adam – carrying the “fig-leaf syndrome” of trying to fix it ourselves.
If we got rid of self-condemning words and lies and just got back to knowing who we really are in Jesus, and got to know our true potential and valued as loved treasure and a precious human being whether created or not, we would hear clearly that voice tell you “why are you condemning yourself? Do I condemn you?” and you can respond appropriately. This was what happened to me this evening. I heard these very words and found myself repenting and had to forgive myself whilst I sought forgiveness for thinking ill of me just because I dialed the number of a guy I wanted to speak to who was going through stuff, whilst I was going through the Mill of recovery myself in tandem.
You see, the reality is Self-condemnation is not cool. It is destructive. No matter how glamorous it is dressed, it is fake and it destroys our confidence in not just ourselves, but in the One who Created us for GLORY, LOVE and Good Works. By deconstructing its ability to work in our lives by recognising how condemnation speaks, then we can stop it at the door before it can even gain entry and begin to unlock our keys to our breakthrough. Breakthrough is on the way no matter how small. Elijah just need a fist of cloud. How much more you?
Thanks for taking the time to read. As ever, Keeping it real…
The Elected Lady,
Don’t assume… (Irrational Monday Morning rant!)
Got some stuff I need to get off my chest family this Monday morning:
Don’t for one second assume that just because someone is on fb or uses social media a lot (or all the time) that their life is cushty. Even if you’re concerned how about find out how you can help them and not just criticise their way of life. Even if They may even be vocal about it. If you don’t like it and think its cool for them and u think their excessive use is bothering you press the delete button or if u dont want to unfriend them then unsubscribe. unfollow. its not hard!
Don’t even assume that even if everything is okay with them that just because you may not handle your pain or your issues the same way that their way is not the right way either. you may not want people around you the same way others want people around them. Don’t assume for one second that your remedy fits all. Yes your world may not evolve around them and yes you may even be very busy and that is fine! its not by force! But, don’t start saying things that u don’t know for a fact!
Don’t assume that their behaviour is “attention-seeking” just ’cause that’s what it may seem to look like. And even if it is the case what is your issue? Don’t expect that person to change coz they don’t conform to your ideologies of how a person should carry themselves with so-called “dignity”. Especially when you know that if you’re going through something and they knew they’d be there for you in a heartbeat, then do the same. If you can’t its fine. People have genuine reasons.
Don’t assume that just because you have principles that someone’s is the same as you and that they should understand because they won’t coz all they’ll see is they needed you and you weren’t there. We are all at different stages of our journey. Even if they are melodramatic and a BIT EXTRA and WEIRD and TOO MUCH and ANNOYING and INTENSE its coz their crying out for help with genuine support and they don’t understand why they are where they are. Their life may be intense so if you can’t handle it butt out and don’t judge. Or just PRAY. Text. Call. show you care. Don’t wait for them to text you before you find out how its going.
Even if you don’t do all those things, it doesn’t matter but the worst part is don’t start behaving like Job’s friends who accuse him and make him feel like he’s the one in the wrong and being extra and its somehow is fault he’s walking through what he’s going through in the name of God and start telling them a bit about themselves when their down!! Even for an animal that’s a low blow!
Even if they are healing up, its a long road to healing. You haven’t walked a mile in their shoes so say nothing and just be there. Especially when you want to use them for your own ends and have them be there for you and do all the stuff they do to please you. Don’t tell them you LOVE THEM and NOT SHOW IT!!! PROVE IT!!! I’ve had a Difficult Night so I am sorry If I sound “EXTRA”! GOOD MORNING AND HAVE A BLESSED MONDAY!
Keeping it Real,
The Elected Lady xx
The End of an ERA…. HERES TO 2014!!
This year has been a whirlwind of a year for me. Probably the most intense so far. Strengthened friendships, lost friendships, and gaining of old and new friends this year has been one of the most emotional learning curves I’ve had. Secondly, Came under one … Continue reading The End of an ERA…. HERES TO 2014!!
Beauty: see the real you…
My Friend Daniel who has a blog called theelementum (please check him out!) did an amazing post on this but I had to share it also. It actually made me cry. I realised that the way I see me often is no where near the … Continue reading Beauty: see the real you…
Commissioned to Mission
So its becoming the same generic Where I start momentum to write yet slip into a season of writer’s block (which by the way feels like I’m still currently in) and not write anything for a long while. When oh when will I ever fully discipline myself to write more regularly? All I know is that I guess I’m someone who tends to write under inspiration and when I do it’s usually more poetic and in such circumstances, you cannot rush inspiration and you cannot rush creativity.
But, its not that time for the self-admonishing but rather a time to say, thank you to all those who have been reading, and commenting and liking my posts as its really encouraging and it gives me great pleasure knowing what you’re thinking and knowing how in some way my posts help. It is a blessing to have you guys listen to what I have to say…
This week, a young person asked me during Choir practice why I love Mission or going on Missions so much? I realise life’s journey itself is a mission. It’s about purpose. It’s what we’ve been created for. It’s that purpose that drives people to either write, sing, be creative, be academic, and come out with books like “The Purpose Driven Life” (Rick Warren) and articles like “The Spirit Driven Life”. (Just a quick side-note here: we are to be Spirit Led not Purpose Driven…being driven puts enormous pressure on one’s self but we ought to have purpose and be led by our Spirit for direction to fulfill that purpose.)
Purpose is Mission. You’ve been sent here for a task, a purpose, a mission. Whichever way we put it, we were born to do something or to be someone who we are and who we’ve been created to be. So for me, I love Mission. I love purpose. I love the idea and the reality of knowing I am here for something. I am here to contribute and display the beauty and the character of the One who created me and share my experiences and life.
As a person, I am very expressive emotionally and physically, which others may sometimes perceive as a weakness but its rather a strength. It takes strength to admit when your weak. It takes strength to explore areas of emotion that usually one fears because of the consequences of experiencing such emotions. It’s all a part of Becoming who we are and Becoming who we’ve been created to be.
Why do I do mission? I do mission because Mission is a way of life. And to narrow it’s context, what is my mission? My Mission is to do the Will of Him that sent me and to Finish it. That’s my mission. So whichever vehicle or form that takes to complete and fulfill my mission I will take it.
It’s why I can’t be put in a box. It’s why I have to be versatile. Fluid. Spirit-Led. Why do I do Mission? It’s because we’ve been Commissioned to Mission. I have a role and have a hand in the Great Commission of Life to Share the good news about the One who loved and Loves me and paid that Price for me, and I want others to encounter that Love I’ve experienced. That LOVE that I’m so passionate about. Yes. That LOVE. IT’S WHO HE IS.
So Where am I going? I don’t know but as I’ve always said from the beginning, this Life is a Marathon, not a Sprint and its a journey so my ultimate goal and journey is back to the One I love. The One I adore. The one who Hears. The One who Sees. That’s where I’m going and I’m taking others with me, as I enjoy the roller-coaster ride. As I let go of the reins and let Him Reign. Be Obedient. That’s my cry. So it’s what I’m doing. I am going to France and Germany on Mission this year working with young people because I love it. And with people in general. I love to travel. I wanted to be in Lebanon this year, but my Spiritual Satnav didn’t direct me there this year due to many different factors and I needed to remain here in the UK.
It turned out that it was very worthwhile that I didn’t go, although I miss Lebanon terribly and crazily. One of my young people died brutally last week. Was hit by a train. When I heard it, it felt like a punch to the stomach. I thought, “If this is what it feels like to me and he’s not even my blood or direct child, I’d hate to think and wonder what his mother must be going through!”
This kid, Charlie, was 16. He had purpose. He wanted to be a Civil engineer. It hit me hard. I realised that I needed to be there for the young people who were affected. And I realised that this was my newest Mission. This is my mission for the time being until the Lord says Switch. For those of you who’ve been following my facebook posts and Twitter posts, you’ll find that we’ve been doing anything we can in remembrance of this wonderful guy. Through being there and connecting with these young people, they have been open to receiving love and having encounters of their own and those who don’t want to know are also okay. It’s not my place to force them. But, It’s mine to Love them. However, I’ve had to work as a wounded soldier helping his other wounded comrades.
I feel I’ve taken bullets since this season called February began, where one mission ended and it felt like I lost a job and my heart to be frank, and then side-tracked mission which put me in danger, but the Lord rescued me miraculously. Yes. sound familiar?
Sounds like a Soldier. Sounds like an Ambassador. Sounds like each and every single one of us who are facing challenges and facing circumstances with a choice without no choice. Yes. Sounds like Mission. Sounds like life.
So Why do Mission? Again: We’ve been Commissioned to Mission.
Keeping it real as ever,
The Elected Lady xx
Laying down your Isaac…
I prithee please forgive but I must warn you now. This isn’t one of those “short expression” moments that I’ve recently adjusted to so if you don’t have the time to listen then I must advise you to overlook now or find the time when you’re ready to read/listen because today, I’ve a lot to bleed today and pour out in this journey called LIFE. (Yes I know I haven’t been on this Earth that long but my goodness! I’ve seen enough to let one’s skin crawl, and had enough adventures to fill a library…well maybe not that exaggerated but at least you get the point!)
‘Ever feel like you’ve come across moments in your life where you have been challenged to give up the things that mean most to you and to your heart? Or have you ever felt moments where you were challenged to relent and give up your hearts’ desires in order to possess something greater, knowing that it would kill or hurt you in the process? Well, to me right now that’s where I am and it feels like a knife circumcision to the heart. Let me explain…
On Thursday Night I had finished Choir Practice at 9pm and headed to Mojos (youth/young people’s club at New River Church). I walked in the bitter cold night and crossed the clear road whilst observing the green-cross code “Stop! Look and Listen!“, and marched towards the bus stop in an attempt to keep myself warm then waited for bus W8 to arrive. En route to Lea Valley Leisure Centre, I stopped in Edmonton Green.
As I arrived at New River, I heard the sound of music coming from the venue (as with any youth group) and I perceived that they must be worshipping. So I entered into the building and after finding a suitable place to put my bags and coat, I positioned myself to enter into worship. Enter in, My FOOT!
Initially, when I started to worship (i.e. singing, praying, praising, telling-God-how-good-he-is) it was all good and I had felt a wave of intense love wash over me especially as we sung Hillsong’s “The Stand”. Suddenly, the familiar flicker of fear that indicates when “something-aint-right” crept on my vulnerable heart. I couldn’t understand why. I puzzled and thought, and thought, and puzzled; then I tried to figure out as usual what the reasons were when BANG! Complete Disconnection. The crawling sensation of anxiety gripped me in a moment and I began to fight it and struggled to regain that emotional and spiritual connection. That moment of emotional distraction left me feeling somewhat odd.
So I paced around the space in the room and eventually settled for sitting on the floor. This time I felt tired and simply entered the “can’t-be-bovvered” attitude whilst trying still to connect vainly. Didn’t work to be honest. It was in that instance when my friend sat with me when I realised that I had needed to be open and honest about what I was experiencing. After a bit of small talk, I told her about what happened and tbh I was genuinely seeking answers at this point. I just wanted to be free from this sickly feeling and something she said struck a chord with me.
She paused then expressed how when she felt that way sometimes, there was usually an underlying blockage that needed dealing with and she advised me as anyone would- “ASK GOD!” I did. I had. I had asked already but wasn’t getting or hearing anything or response which fueled the anxiety that much more. But this time I decided to wait and ask again. (When you’ve asked once and life throws you curve balls as NO ANSWERS, ASK AGAIN!)
This time, because I was actually READY TO RECEIVE an answer, it came very quickly. A scene in an episode of Friends where Rachel says goodbye to Ross came quickly into view. This scene for me had been so intense that it hit a part of me that I never thought would be impacted in such a significant way. I realised the scene confronted my emotions about a person I really really like and my feelings for this person had dominated my thought life for a long time that it was undermining even my relationship with my Maker. And it didn’t only undermine my relationship, but it started to dominate my songs, prayers and my life to a very small degree (but a degree nonetheless).
I know! it sounds silly and stupid. Ah well, what am I like?! It just seems that when I fall for someone I fall hard. like, really hard. Some of you understand. It was at this point that I knew what needed to be done and it was as if I heard the words clear “Lay down you Isaac“. (Look, for the theologians among you, I don’t pretend to know how theologically correct it is but all I know is this is what He said and I obeyed. Simple. We can argue later…)
But for the others who don;t understand the context this command refers to, it is the story of Abraham and Isaac and you can read it in Genesis chapter 22 (don’t worry I didn’t have to kill anyone but I understood the metaphorical context). In retreat, I knew that I had to let go and give it over to God, and so let go, I did. In obedience and in tears. And this time, there was a grace and an ease to do it. The song “Cry me a River” – the Justin Timberlake version, not Buble (though I love him so) springs to mind. It was silent, but the sodium chloride liquid coursed through my body and released streams down my face and into my palms. Strangely, it felt like a huge weight had lifted at the same time but it hurt. It hurt a lot. And I don’t pretend to feel great about it. I’m fine and I’m okay, but yea, it hurt.
You know, sometimes it feels so hard to let go. However, there is always hope. You see, when God or life requires you to give up your best, He often has in mind an even greater purpose and blessing in store for you. So count it all joy. As Maria from the sound of music said it best, “When God closes a door, somehow he opens a window…”
pffhtt! IT BEST BE A BIG WINDOW that’s all am Saying!!! coz for me to climb through that? Lawd have mercy!!
So, what have I learned today?
1- Well the keys to my Heart are in Big Daddy’s hands and when the time is right, they shall be released and it will be full of matured Joy. And Secondly, there is always a Ram climbing as I am, to be that substitute sacrifice. I don’t know…These are just my thoughts today. Making any sense? feel free to express but in the meantime let me leave you with a couple of songs!
The sayings of a transparent heart…God this is difficult!
As ever keeping it real, Peace!
The Elected Lady ❤ xx