“…We refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. And so, we’ve come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice…
During my teenage years, I went through a lot of pain and challenges that used to really inspire me to write music from that place. I used to draw a lot from that place and paint from that place. It gave me the sense of … Continue reading When dreaming becomes an Epiphany…
“Stay up with me One more Night,” I came with the soft whispers of the night.
The Chilling foreboding of my impending doom, awaited me.
Troubled, I’d never known FEAR; Never knew Fright,
Until that fateful eve in my heart when fear was all I could see…
Knowing the thought of Losing YOU to face my Destiny gripped my sorrowful frame,
But knowing it was to SAVE YOU, was worth enduring the Pain and the Shame.
So, could you watch with me One Hour?
But that night the weight was all too real!
The apprehension. The Pain. Mental Torture was all I could feel.
The threat of truly knowing life a part
Where my Father would forsake me for a start,
The darkness of loneliness creeping my skin,
The terror of emptiness Pounding within…
So I asked again: would you watch with me One Hour?
But on return to your sleeping heads,
the weight of slumber covered your eyes.
Crestfallen, the familiar stab of pain and disappointment hit me
But my loving compassionate heart saw your feeble frame, & I knew YOU were MY Prize!
The thought of your falling to Temptation’s Snare, pulled my jealous love for you to pray,
All I wanted was One More Night with you – Please Stay!
Yet, my cry was “Not MY WILL BUT BE DONE THINE!”
So that I could make you truly Official and Legitimately Mine!
So now you’ve found yourself in your Gethsemane.
Your Being & Energy calls out to me:
“Lord, Watch with me One Hour?” and me I say,
“I’ll watch with you an hour, a second and a day,
Even a Lifetime.
Because I will NEVER LEAVE YOU nor FORSAKE You.
And finally, “YOU ARE MINE.“
Let me know what you think peoples!
As ever Keeping it real, Peace! HAPPY EASTER!!
The Elected Lady xx
I looked blankly at this page and writing again became a block and the white screen appeared before me as too pure to be spoiled by the black particles of ink scrolling quickly across one’s screen! Moreover, it has been a while since my last blog (so much for me wanting to be more regular with my posts…well new year’s resolution number one out the window… But this shall not dampen my shine!)
Well so much has happened since I last wrote and it has been an incredible and interesting journey so far, and 2013 is proving to be the birthing year that I haven’t quite expected, however my focus has remained consistent. But, I will discuss that in my next blog a bit more fully, so right now I just want to share with you two poems that came to me in my moment of creativity and my most recent painting. Hope you enjoy!!!
I’ve been Asking.
I’ve been Seeking.
I’m still knocking.
It was OPENED!
To Be Happy is to be FREE.
To Be FREE is to be DISCIPLINED.
To Be DISCIPLINED is to have BOUNDARIES.
To have BOUNDARIES is to be LOVED.
To Be LOVED is to know NO BOUNDS.
To Know NO BOUNDS is to be FREE.
To Be FREE is TO BE HAPPY…
As ever, keeping it Real! Peace.
The Elected Lady xx
I prithee please forgive but I must warn you now. This isn’t one of those “short expression” moments that I’ve recently adjusted to so if you don’t have the time to listen then I must advise you to overlook now or find the time when you’re ready to read/listen because today, I’ve a lot to bleed today and pour out in this journey called LIFE. (Yes I know I haven’t been on this Earth that long but my goodness! I’ve seen enough to let one’s skin crawl, and had enough adventures to fill a library…well maybe not that exaggerated but at least you get the point!)
‘Ever feel like you’ve come across moments in your life where you have been challenged to give up the things that mean most to you and to your heart? Or have you ever felt moments where you were challenged to relent and give up your hearts’ desires in order to possess something greater, knowing that it would kill or hurt you in the process? Well, to me right now that’s where I am and it feels like a knife circumcision to the heart. Let me explain…
On Thursday Night I had finished Choir Practice at 9pm and headed to Mojos (youth/young people’s club at New River Church). I walked in the bitter cold night and crossed the clear road whilst observing the green-cross code “Stop! Look and Listen!“, and marched towards the bus stop in an attempt to keep myself warm then waited for bus W8 to arrive. En route to Lea Valley Leisure Centre, I stopped in Edmonton Green.
As I arrived at New River, I heard the sound of music coming from the venue (as with any youth group) and I perceived that they must be worshipping. So I entered into the building and after finding a suitable place to put my bags and coat, I positioned myself to enter into worship. Enter in, My FOOT!
Initially, when I started to worship (i.e. singing, praying, praising, telling-God-how-good-he-is) it was all good and I had felt a wave of intense love wash over me especially as we sung Hillsong’s “The Stand”. Suddenly, the familiar flicker of fear that indicates when “something-aint-right” crept on my vulnerable heart. I couldn’t understand why. I puzzled and thought, and thought, and puzzled; then I tried to figure out as usual what the reasons were when BANG! Complete Disconnection. The crawling sensation of anxiety gripped me in a moment and I began to fight it and struggled to regain that emotional and spiritual connection. That moment of emotional distraction left me feeling somewhat odd.
So I paced around the space in the room and eventually settled for sitting on the floor. This time I felt tired and simply entered the “can’t-be-bovvered” attitude whilst trying still to connect vainly. Didn’t work to be honest. It was in that instance when my friend sat with me when I realised that I had needed to be open and honest about what I was experiencing. After a bit of small talk, I told her about what happened and tbh I was genuinely seeking answers at this point. I just wanted to be free from this sickly feeling and something she said struck a chord with me.
She paused then expressed how when she felt that way sometimes, there was usually an underlying blockage that needed dealing with and she advised me as anyone would- “ASK GOD!” I did. I had. I had asked already but wasn’t getting or hearing anything or response which fueled the anxiety that much more. But this time I decided to wait and ask again. (When you’ve asked once and life throws you curve balls as NO ANSWERS, ASK AGAIN!)
This time, because I was actually READY TO RECEIVE an answer, it came very quickly. A scene in an episode of Friends where Rachel says goodbye to Ross came quickly into view. This scene for me had been so intense that it hit a part of me that I never thought would be impacted in such a significant way. I realised the scene confronted my emotions about a person I really really like and my feelings for this person had dominated my thought life for a long time that it was undermining even my relationship with my Maker. And it didn’t only undermine my relationship, but it started to dominate my songs, prayers and my life to a very small degree (but a degree nonetheless).
I know! it sounds silly and stupid. Ah well, what am I like?! It just seems that when I fall for someone I fall hard. like, really hard. Some of you understand. It was at this point that I knew what needed to be done and it was as if I heard the words clear “Lay down you Isaac“. (Look, for the theologians among you, I don’t pretend to know how theologically correct it is but all I know is this is what He said and I obeyed. Simple. We can argue later…)
But for the others who don;t understand the context this command refers to, it is the story of Abraham and Isaac and you can read it in Genesis chapter 22 (don’t worry I didn’t have to kill anyone but I understood the metaphorical context). In retreat, I knew that I had to let go and give it over to God, and so let go, I did. In obedience and in tears. And this time, there was a grace and an ease to do it. The song “Cry me a River” – the Justin Timberlake version, not Buble (though I love him so) springs to mind. It was silent, but the sodium chloride liquid coursed through my body and released streams down my face and into my palms. Strangely, it felt like a huge weight had lifted at the same time but it hurt. It hurt a lot. And I don’t pretend to feel great about it. I’m fine and I’m okay, but yea, it hurt.
You know, sometimes it feels so hard to let go. However, there is always hope. You see, when God or life requires you to give up your best, He often has in mind an even greater purpose and blessing in store for you. So count it all joy. As Maria from the sound of music said it best, “When God closes a door, somehow he opens a window…”
pffhtt! IT BEST BE A BIG WINDOW that’s all am Saying!!! coz for me to climb through that? Lawd have mercy!!
So, what have I learned today?
1- Well the keys to my Heart are in Big Daddy’s hands and when the time is right, they shall be released and it will be full of matured Joy. And Secondly, there is always a Ram climbing as I am, to be that substitute sacrifice. I don’t know…These are just my thoughts today. Making any sense? feel free to express but in the meantime let me leave you with a couple of songs!
The sayings of a transparent heart…God this is difficult!
As ever keeping it real, Peace!
The Elected Lady ❤ xx
IT WAS MIDWEEK– precisely Wednesday the 5th December, when my curiosity got the better of me. It was as if Satan had hung the forbidden fruit in my face wrapped with pure desire to grasp my attention and funnelled me through an avenue of guilty pleasures…
Monday had seen me head to the General Practitioners for another round of blood tests as a part of ongoing investigations concerning my beautiful body. However, it was a failed attempt as the phlebotomist was visibly anxious to leave and clearly didn’t possess quailties of respect and patience for me to find my blood test form, which I only remembered I needed on arrival at the surgery. Annoyed as I was, and to be frank, quite frustrated with the Big Man Upstairs for not reminding me, or sounding some alarm to remember my form, I left to jump on the big red Bus 329 towards Enfield Town and got off at St. Anne’s/Cecil Court stop. I decided to enter the cold creature comforts of my church hall and vent out my frustration (it is quite the structural attraction as it looks like a House from outside yet, from within, its a TARDIS!! small outside and mahooosive inside!).
Within a couple of hours I was fine and my peace of mind had returned (thanks Big Man Upstairs- AKA Dad) so I headed back to my aunt’s and up to my sister’s room to catch up on some much needed rest. The walking was affecting my abdomen and had really hurt so I decided that Bed was going to be my choice option from the menu. I also had some stuff to catch up on anyway. But that’s when it all started…
I was sat up in bed when I noticed on my cousin’s bookshelf the book 50 shades of Grey. It caught my attention as I have been fascinated about the surrounding hype of the book and not to mention that I had read the blurb a while back to discover why it was dubbed recently “mummy-porn” due to the illicit and graphic nature of the book. Now many will crucify me on reading this and a thousand and one haters and self-righteous critics will look at me thinking “I always knew she was a sinner!” or “kmt! really??” (Kiss my teeth for the benefit of the abbrieviated illiterate…). I ignored it but I knew that I was going to find myself (against my holy will to resist) reading the book. I just knew. Gasp!
To be honest, I only wanted to find out what the hype and the fuss was all about, and I had been really curious to research why it was the most talked about book this year and why it was so controversial. I know, I should have resisted. I should be repenting. And guess what? I did! Well…Afterwards….!
Now, I love to read and for a long time, reading a full novel just hasn’t happened. So far, everytime I’ve started, I usually stop half-way which I never used to do. It just seemed to be the case lately. Until this book. It certainly sparked my love for reading again and it was very well written. And what killed it for me was the irony of the fact that on Sunday my Pastor was preaching on the battle of the mind and mentioned about being careful about what we read and what passes through our eyes because its the gateway to one’s soul. Well I certainly put a boot in that didn’t I?!
And dare I hate to say this, I actually found the book funny, witty, lyrical and very intensely written on all the illicit content which is all shades of WRONG!!! should only ever be prescribed for marriage…
‘Took me two secret nights and a day to complete….my head was in a serious spin. Guilty Pleasures indeed! It was the sort of book that left you wanting to know what happened next?
For most people, they will not see a problem with this at all and thinking why the hell am I condemning myself over a book? but for those like me, who are trying to avoid treading where angels fear to tread until the appointed time and for me that is “wedding day“, it was an issue for me. Especially because it’s beautifully twisted. It’s lustful. 50 shades of pleasurable sin. It evoked all sorts of emotions and set all sorts of lights off in my brain and left me feeling somewhat guilty. ah yes. The after effect of giving in to temptation.
It made me see how that Old ancient Serpent’s skill at marketing had worked through sparking my interest, but also showed me God’s Grace. Because it was sin to me, in my eyes I fell, and needed to repent for that. Also, His Grace is sufficient enough to help me resist temptation. But In God’s immutable Grace and endless love, I actually found that he used the book rather to teach me this valuable lesson:
“Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the
field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Song of Songs Chapter 3 Verse 5
As ever always, Keeping it Real!
The Elected Lady xx
Hey this is a Poem. I needed to find a way to express best what I’ve been probably feeling for a very long time. Sometimes, its very difficult to always express in continuous prose (full sentences…talking….the whole palaver) what you are feeling that it spills into poetic speech and lyrical flow. I was looking for inspiration meanwhile I didn’t realise my inspiration is my wonderland where I reside in my daydreams at the moment…
So Hope you enjoy….
The Storm is Raging,
My Cross still paging,
My Heart keeps aching,
Burning and Staking…
But you are consistent.
You are my baby…
My heart’s got me going crazy,
And this Love’s got me racing…
Can’t see; Can’t eat; Can’t sleep!
What the hell am I doing here?
Can’t move. Can’t breathe…
Why can’t I see clear?
Break Out, Break Free
in the midst of the storm.
My soul’s gone
cold– real low,
Can’t sort out pain from the ache
of an unrequited love,
& the love of another seems so far-fetched to
I’ve closed to real love
and the addictive poison of loving the love
that you dream loves you back,
That clouds your thoughts; your fears;
Your pains; your vision and it confuses the logic of a
Undisciplined in death,
One favours the journey of the roller-coaster motion
of a very alive beat of a heart~
A Heart unrequited by LOVE…
The Love songs, the sick feelings,
The Longings, The wakings,
when you hear that little voice…
“Let me Love you Instead!”
You respond. you answer.
You fight the withdrawals
of counterfeit temporal fixes of unrequited love.
You open to receive this love, but its hard.
You can’t see; You can’t hear; You can’t feel.
You feel nothing.
So you simply believe….meeting more dissatisfaction ~ A never-ending trap.
A colossal of pain, thoughts, physical drama, physical trauma,
Spirals into an endless hole…
Fight the hole! Fight the emotional addiction! Entertain Logic!
Entertain Soul! Entertain Spirit! Music! Feel! Feel!
Enter into Romance’s Sphere!
But Real Love took me
deeper. Darker. Harder.
“Let me Love you!”
The little Voice cries.
“No! You hurt me! I Love you but you hurt me!”
My voice replies.
Indignant at the realities of my warped views of Love,
The Voice serenades and comforts me. like a blanket
it encircles my being. Yes.
My being within.
Hear my call! Hear my wait!
Then I realise the Voice, the Real Love
took me deeper to hide me. Protect me. Till the appointed Time.
Ahh Yes! Time.
An interesting logic.
An abstract logic.
A logic that transcends Kairos and Kosmos Time.
Oh that you would quickly arrive with a rush!
Yet my heart fears the unknown
and ponders all the negative results and yields to the waiting…
…Hoping to buy time to prepare and that what I’m waiting for would be also prepared…willing…
But Time doesn’t always prepare.
Effort. Work. Hard Work prepares.
Passion. Focus and a willingness to pursue prepares.
I go get it, but I want it given.
I’m an Oxymoron waiting to happen.
Someone please save me from the complicated musings
of my Mind and heart…
…From this unrequited LOVE.
Lead me to real Joy!
Pure Love Everlasting…
The unceasing Love not based on works
but purely on the heart that appreciates
the flaws of Men
and loves past the pain and for them its alright…
The Love, that judges intentions and the capacity to Love rather than the actions of
Oh Yes! I’m insane. Insanely NORMAL.
Fluttered with words that are limited by
the Explosion of Emotion that has not formally aligned
to trigger settlement, where words express exact Emotional Feeling.
No. I’m tongue-tied. Speaking but not speaking.
My Heart Screams and no one’s hearing.
I’m taken by distraction and the overwhelming silence
and inactivity has left me somewhat speechless.
Lifeless. Monotonous in action
away from the simmering eruption, which awaits
like a ticking time Bomb…
So Many suggestions; so much advice!
who do I turn to? Where do I thrive?
Who do I lean on when the director is Silent?
My heart bleeds
Longing for that Passionate Unrequited Love that never seems to end…
Not temporal geniuses of a momentary, yearly infatuation
where the Choice of Love is a DECISION with PAIN
Rather than the EASE of life’s flaws-n-all where you’re taken…
Oh To hear the words
“Bone of my bone,
Flesh of my flesh…”
I long to return to the Beginning.
Where I once was…
…with my Love before I was yet born…
Till then..? My heart’s on my sleeve while I wait…