Month: January 2013

Laying down your Isaac…

     

"I come second to no-one..."
“I come second to no-one…”

Hi guys,

I prithee  please forgive but I must warn you now. This isn’t one of those “short expression” moments that I’ve recently adjusted to so if you don’t have the time to listen then I must advise you to overlook now or find the time when you’re ready to read/listen because today, I’ve a lot to bleed today and pour out in this journey called LIFE. (Yes I know I haven’t been on this Earth that long but my goodness! I’ve seen enough to let one’s skin crawl, and had enough adventures to fill a library…well maybe not that exaggerated but at least you get the point!)

‘Ever feel like you’ve come across moments in your life where you have been challenged to give up the things that mean most to you and to your heart? Or have you ever felt moments where you were challenged to relent and give up your hearts’ desires in order to possess something greater, knowing that it would kill or hurt you in the process? Well, to me right now that’s where I am and it feels like a knife circumcision to the heart. Let me explain…

On Thursday Night I had finished Choir Practice at 9pm and headed to Mojos (youth/young people’s club at New River Church). I walked in the bitter cold night and crossed the clear road whilst observing the green-cross code “Stop! Look and Listen!“, and marched towards the bus stop in an attempt to keep myself warm then waited for bus W8 to arrive.  En route to Lea Valley Leisure Centre, I stopped in Edmonton Green. 

As I arrived at New River, I heard the sound of music coming from the venue (as with any youth group) and I perceived that they must be worshipping. So I entered into the building and after finding a suitable place to put my bags and coat, I positioned myself to enter into worship. Enter in, My FOOT! 

picture by Image Bank
***Praying Hands= ASK GOD***

Initially, when I started to worship (i.e. singing, praying, praising, telling-God-how-good-he-is)  it was all good and I had felt a wave of intense love wash over me especially as we sung Hillsong’s “The Stand”.  Suddenly, the familiar flicker of fear that indicates when “something-aint-right” crept on my vulnerable heart. I couldn’t understand why. I puzzled and thought, and thought, and puzzled; then I tried to figure out as usual what the reasons were when BANG! Complete Disconnection. The crawling sensation of anxiety gripped me in a moment and I began to fight it and struggled to regain that emotional and spiritual connection. That moment of emotional distraction left me feeling somewhat odd.

So  I paced around the space in the room and eventually settled for sitting on the floor. This time I felt tired and simply entered the “can’t-be-bovvered” attitude whilst trying still to connect vainly. Didn’t work to be honest. It was in that instance when my friend sat with me when I realised that I had needed to be open and honest about what I was experiencing.  After a bit of small talk, I told her about what happened and tbh I was genuinely seeking answers at this point. I just wanted to be free from this sickly feeling and something she said struck a chord with me.

She paused then expressed how when she felt that way sometimes, there was usually an underlying blockage that needed dealing with and she advised me as anyone would- “ASK GOD!” I did. I had.  I had asked already but wasn’t getting or hearing anything or response which fueled the anxiety that much more. But this time I decided to wait and ask again. (When you’ve asked once and life throws you curve balls as NO ANSWERS, ASK AGAIN!)

This time, because I was actually READY TO RECEIVE an answer, it came very quickly. A scene in an episode of Friends where Rachel says goodbye to Ross came quickly into view. This scene for me had been so intense that it hit a part of me that I never thought would be impacted in such a significant way. I realised the scene confronted my emotions about a person I really really like and my feelings for this person had dominated my thought life for a long time that it was undermining even my relationship with my Maker. And it didn’t only undermine my relationship, but it started to dominate my songs, prayers and my life to a very small degree (but a degree nonetheless).

"Goodbye Ross!"
“Goodbye Ross!”

I know! it sounds silly and stupid. Ah well, what am I like?! It just seems that when I fall for someone I fall hard. like, really hard. Some of you understand. It was at this point that I knew what needed to be done and it was as if I heard the words clear “Lay down you Isaac“. (Look, for the theologians among you, I don’t pretend to know how theologically correct it is but all I know is this is what He said and I obeyed. Simple. We can argue later…)

But for the others who don;t understand the context this command refers to, it is the story of Abraham and Isaac and you can read it in Genesis chapter 22 (don’t worry I didn’t have to kill anyone but I understood the metaphorical context). In retreat, I knew that I had to let go and give it over to God, and so let go, I did.  In obedience and in tears. And this time, there was a grace and an ease to do it. The song “Cry me a River” – the Justin Timberlake version, not Buble (though I love him so) springs to mind. It was silent, but the sodium chloride liquid coursed through my body and released streams down my face and into my palms. Strangely, it felt like a huge weight had lifted at the same time but it hurt. It hurt a lot. And I don’t pretend to feel great about it. I’m fine and I’m okay, but yea, it hurt.

You know, sometimes it feels so hard to let go. However, there is always hope. You see, when God or life requires you to give up your best, He often has in mind an even greater purpose and blessing in store for you. So count it all joy. As  Maria from the sound of music said it best, “When God closes a door, somehow he opens a window…”

pffhtt! IT BEST BE A BIG WINDOW that’s all am Saying!!! coz for me to climb through that? Lawd have mercy!!

So, what have I learned today?

1- Well the keys to my Heart are in Big Daddy’s hands and when the time is right, they shall be released and it will be full of matured Joy. And Secondly, there is always a Ram climbing as I am, to be that substitute sacrifice. I don’t know…These are just my thoughts today. Making any sense? feel free to express but in the meantime let me leave you with a couple of songs!

The sayings of a transparent heart…God this is difficult!

As ever keeping it real, Peace!

The Elected Lady ❤ xx

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Love it….enough said.

The Better Man Project ™

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When Nature wants to make a man,

And shake a man,

And wake a man;

When Nature wants to make a man

To do the Future’s will;

When she tries with all her skill

And she yearns with all her soul

To create him large and whole…

With what cunning she prepares him!

How she goads and never spares him!

How she whets him, and she frets him,

And in poverty begets him…

How she often disappoints

How she often anoints,

With what wisdom she will hide him,

Never minding what betide him

Though his genius sob with slighting

And his pride may not forget!

Bid him struggle harder yet.

Makes him lonely

So that only

God’s high messages shall reach him

So that she may surely teach him

What the Hierarchy planned.

Though he may not understand

Gives him passions to command.

How remorselessly she spurs him

With terrific…

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Reflect, Refract, Reform!

***Reflect, Refract, REFORM***

“…but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before…”

-St. Paul

Welcome to the year 2013!

So we all stuffed our bellies and faces foolishly, engaged in all manner of debaucherous gluttony and excessive drinking, and spending; And we also enjoyed the heavenly spins of Midnight Mass, not to mention the screaming children at 4am waiting in vain for the fruit of their letters to poor ol’ Santa Claus! Then we gloriously marched (in the UK especially not sure about everywhere else) to “Boxing Day Sales” to rid ourselves of unwanted and disappointing gifts (Oh the plague of having too much choice!) and spend the christmas vouchers and monies we received from our dear ol’ uncles, aunts and grandparents with joyous glee! Finally, we anticipated the vain resolutions we prepared for the ultimate BOOM of the Year 2013 and met the year with Thanksgiving, Prayers, Joy and Gladness, and yes indeed, much Celebration! I think that must about summed up the last two weeks right?

Thank the Lord! But, I’m third day in to the year and I’ve already met challenges number 2013 appendix 1-3 on board this Train, ever seeking to press the buttons that echo and resemble the familiar smells of TWENTY TWELVE! Glory!

Yes, 2012, tried to rear his ugly head and manipulate my year already by weaving his ugly tentacles into the pores of my engine on board Service2013 Express Railways of Life”. Well, no siree! This year I am determined more than ever to take creativity beyond its bounds, even with taking risks but how does one intend to progress on this journey of fruitfulness, when the robber and the thief seek to steal and destroy our crop of the present. and joy of the future by sowing the Tears of our past? How do we overcome such radical opposition to our progress?

Well the wisdom lies here echoed in the famous words of St. Paul in a letter to the ancient Greeks- the Philippians:

“…but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before…”

Yes. That’s it. Leave the Past behind. Cut the tentacles of 2012 off and Praise the Lord for the victories won in that year but as any athlete would tell you, press onwards and upwards. This means Discipline yourself to FORGET. Pursue; Overtake; Recover all that 2013 has to offer.

So I’ve reflected. I’ve Refracted. Now, I Reform to Transform a thoughtless generation.

Keeping it Real, The Elected Lady xx

“Nothing exists in itself” (Moby-Dick)

great read

Biblioklept

Yes, we became very wakeful; so much so that our recumbent position began to grow wearisome, and by little and little we found ourselves sitting up; the clothes well tucked around us, leaning against the head-board with our four knees drawn up close together, and our two noses bending over them, as if our kneepans were warming-pans. We felt very nice and snug, the more so since it was so chilly out of doors; indeed out of bed-clothes too, seeing that there was no fire in the room. The more so, I say, because truly to enjoy bodily warmth, some small part of you must be cold, for there is no quality in this world that is not what it is merely by contrast. Nothing exists in itself. If you flatter yourself that you are all over comfortable, and have been so a long time, then you cannot be said…

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