Tag: Time

Laying down your Isaac…

     

"I come second to no-one..."
“I come second to no-one…”

Hi guys,

I prithee  please forgive but I must warn you now. This isn’t one of those “short expression” moments that I’ve recently adjusted to so if you don’t have the time to listen then I must advise you to overlook now or find the time when you’re ready to read/listen because today, I’ve a lot to bleed today and pour out in this journey called LIFE. (Yes I know I haven’t been on this Earth that long but my goodness! I’ve seen enough to let one’s skin crawl, and had enough adventures to fill a library…well maybe not that exaggerated but at least you get the point!)

‘Ever feel like you’ve come across moments in your life where you have been challenged to give up the things that mean most to you and to your heart? Or have you ever felt moments where you were challenged to relent and give up your hearts’ desires in order to possess something greater, knowing that it would kill or hurt you in the process? Well, to me right now that’s where I am and it feels like a knife circumcision to the heart. Let me explain…

On Thursday Night I had finished Choir Practice at 9pm and headed to Mojos (youth/young people’s club at New River Church). I walked in the bitter cold night and crossed the clear road whilst observing the green-cross code “Stop! Look and Listen!“, and marched towards the bus stop in an attempt to keep myself warm then waited for bus W8 to arrive.  En route to Lea Valley Leisure Centre, I stopped in Edmonton Green. 

As I arrived at New River, I heard the sound of music coming from the venue (as with any youth group) and I perceived that they must be worshipping. So I entered into the building and after finding a suitable place to put my bags and coat, I positioned myself to enter into worship. Enter in, My FOOT! 

picture by Image Bank
***Praying Hands= ASK GOD***

Initially, when I started to worship (i.e. singing, praying, praising, telling-God-how-good-he-is)  it was all good and I had felt a wave of intense love wash over me especially as we sung Hillsong’s “The Stand”.  Suddenly, the familiar flicker of fear that indicates when “something-aint-right” crept on my vulnerable heart. I couldn’t understand why. I puzzled and thought, and thought, and puzzled; then I tried to figure out as usual what the reasons were when BANG! Complete Disconnection. The crawling sensation of anxiety gripped me in a moment and I began to fight it and struggled to regain that emotional and spiritual connection. That moment of emotional distraction left me feeling somewhat odd.

So  I paced around the space in the room and eventually settled for sitting on the floor. This time I felt tired and simply entered the “can’t-be-bovvered” attitude whilst trying still to connect vainly. Didn’t work to be honest. It was in that instance when my friend sat with me when I realised that I had needed to be open and honest about what I was experiencing.  After a bit of small talk, I told her about what happened and tbh I was genuinely seeking answers at this point. I just wanted to be free from this sickly feeling and something she said struck a chord with me.

She paused then expressed how when she felt that way sometimes, there was usually an underlying blockage that needed dealing with and she advised me as anyone would- “ASK GOD!” I did. I had.  I had asked already but wasn’t getting or hearing anything or response which fueled the anxiety that much more. But this time I decided to wait and ask again. (When you’ve asked once and life throws you curve balls as NO ANSWERS, ASK AGAIN!)

This time, because I was actually READY TO RECEIVE an answer, it came very quickly. A scene in an episode of Friends where Rachel says goodbye to Ross came quickly into view. This scene for me had been so intense that it hit a part of me that I never thought would be impacted in such a significant way. I realised the scene confronted my emotions about a person I really really like and my feelings for this person had dominated my thought life for a long time that it was undermining even my relationship with my Maker. And it didn’t only undermine my relationship, but it started to dominate my songs, prayers and my life to a very small degree (but a degree nonetheless).

"Goodbye Ross!"
“Goodbye Ross!”

I know! it sounds silly and stupid. Ah well, what am I like?! It just seems that when I fall for someone I fall hard. like, really hard. Some of you understand. It was at this point that I knew what needed to be done and it was as if I heard the words clear “Lay down you Isaac“. (Look, for the theologians among you, I don’t pretend to know how theologically correct it is but all I know is this is what He said and I obeyed. Simple. We can argue later…)

But for the others who don;t understand the context this command refers to, it is the story of Abraham and Isaac and you can read it in Genesis chapter 22 (don’t worry I didn’t have to kill anyone but I understood the metaphorical context). In retreat, I knew that I had to let go and give it over to God, and so let go, I did.  In obedience and in tears. And this time, there was a grace and an ease to do it. The song “Cry me a River” – the Justin Timberlake version, not Buble (though I love him so) springs to mind. It was silent, but the sodium chloride liquid coursed through my body and released streams down my face and into my palms. Strangely, it felt like a huge weight had lifted at the same time but it hurt. It hurt a lot. And I don’t pretend to feel great about it. I’m fine and I’m okay, but yea, it hurt.

You know, sometimes it feels so hard to let go. However, there is always hope. You see, when God or life requires you to give up your best, He often has in mind an even greater purpose and blessing in store for you. So count it all joy. As  Maria from the sound of music said it best, “When God closes a door, somehow he opens a window…”

pffhtt! IT BEST BE A BIG WINDOW that’s all am Saying!!! coz for me to climb through that? Lawd have mercy!!

So, what have I learned today?

1- Well the keys to my Heart are in Big Daddy’s hands and when the time is right, they shall be released and it will be full of matured Joy. And Secondly, there is always a Ram climbing as I am, to be that substitute sacrifice. I don’t know…These are just my thoughts today. Making any sense? feel free to express but in the meantime let me leave you with a couple of songs!

The sayings of a transparent heart…God this is difficult!

As ever keeping it real, Peace!

The Elected Lady ❤ xx

Reflect, Refract, Reform!

***Reflect, Refract, REFORM***

“…but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before…”

-St. Paul

Welcome to the year 2013!

So we all stuffed our bellies and faces foolishly, engaged in all manner of debaucherous gluttony and excessive drinking, and spending; And we also enjoyed the heavenly spins of Midnight Mass, not to mention the screaming children at 4am waiting in vain for the fruit of their letters to poor ol’ Santa Claus! Then we gloriously marched (in the UK especially not sure about everywhere else) to “Boxing Day Sales” to rid ourselves of unwanted and disappointing gifts (Oh the plague of having too much choice!) and spend the christmas vouchers and monies we received from our dear ol’ uncles, aunts and grandparents with joyous glee! Finally, we anticipated the vain resolutions we prepared for the ultimate BOOM of the Year 2013 and met the year with Thanksgiving, Prayers, Joy and Gladness, and yes indeed, much Celebration! I think that must about summed up the last two weeks right?

Thank the Lord! But, I’m third day in to the year and I’ve already met challenges number 2013 appendix 1-3 on board this Train, ever seeking to press the buttons that echo and resemble the familiar smells of TWENTY TWELVE! Glory!

Yes, 2012, tried to rear his ugly head and manipulate my year already by weaving his ugly tentacles into the pores of my engine on board Service2013 Express Railways of Life”. Well, no siree! This year I am determined more than ever to take creativity beyond its bounds, even with taking risks but how does one intend to progress on this journey of fruitfulness, when the robber and the thief seek to steal and destroy our crop of the present. and joy of the future by sowing the Tears of our past? How do we overcome such radical opposition to our progress?

Well the wisdom lies here echoed in the famous words of St. Paul in a letter to the ancient Greeks- the Philippians:

“…but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before…”

Yes. That’s it. Leave the Past behind. Cut the tentacles of 2012 off and Praise the Lord for the victories won in that year but as any athlete would tell you, press onwards and upwards. This means Discipline yourself to FORGET. Pursue; Overtake; Recover all that 2013 has to offer.

So I’ve reflected. I’ve Refracted. Now, I Reform to Transform a thoughtless generation.

Keeping it Real, The Elected Lady xx

Don’t know what to call it…Unrequited Love Perhaps…a Monologue??

Hey this is a Poem. I needed to find a way to express best what I’ve been probably feeling for a very long time. Sometimes, its very difficult to always express in continuous prose (full sentences…talking….the whole palaver) what you are feeling that it spills into poetic speech and lyrical flow. I was looking for inspiration meanwhile I didn’t realise my inspiration is my wonderland where I reside in my daydreams at the moment…

So Hope you enjoy….

UNREQUITED LOVE

The Storm is Raging,

  My Cross still paging,

    My Heart keeps aching,

Burning and Staking…

But you are consistent.

You are my baby…

My heart’s got me going crazy,

And this Love’s got me racing…

Can’t see; Can’t eat; Can’t sleep!

What the hell am I doing here?

Can’t move. Can’t breathe…

Why can’t I see clear?

Break Out, Break Free

in the midst of the storm.

My soul’s gone cold– real low,

Can’t sort out pain from the ache

of an unrequited love,

& the love of another seems so far-fetched to

Receive.

I’ve closed to real love

and the addictive poison of loving the love

that you dream loves you back,

That clouds your thoughts; your fears;

Your pains; your vision and it confuses the logic of a

Sure crossed-mind!

Undisciplined in death,

One favours the journey of the roller-coaster motion

  of a very alive beat of a heart~

     A Heart unrequited by LOVE…

The Love songs, the sick feelings,

The Longings, The wakings,

The keeping-yourself-busy

when you hear that little voice…

   “Let me Love you Instead!”

You respond. you answer.

You fight the withdrawals

of counterfeit temporal fixes of unrequited love.

You open to receive this love, but its hard.

You can’t see; You can’t hear; You can’t feel.

You feel nothing.

So you simply believe….meeting more dissatisfaction ~ A never-ending trap.

A colossal of pain, thoughts, physical drama, physical trauma,

Spirals into an endless hole…

Fight!

Fight!

Fight the hole! Fight the emotional addiction! Entertain Logic!

   Entertain Soul! Entertain Spirit! Music! Feel! Feel!

Dance!

   Waltz!

     Enter into Romance’s Sphere!

But Real Love took me

deeper. Darker. Harder.

“Let me Love you!”

The little Voice cries.

“No! You hurt me! I Love you but you hurt me!”

My voice replies.

Indignant at the realities of my warped views of Love,

The Voice serenades and comforts me. like a blanket

it encircles my being. Yes.

    My being within.

Hear my call! Hear my wait!

I’m waiting.

Then I realise the Voice, the Real Love

took me deeper to hide me. Protect me. Till the appointed Time.

Ahh Yes! Time.

An interesting logic.

An abstract logic.

A logic that transcends Kairos and Kosmos Time.

Oh that you would quickly arrive with a rush!

Yet my heart fears the unknown

and ponders all the negative results and yields to the waiting…

…Hoping to buy time to prepare and that what I’m waiting for would be also prepared…willing…

But Time doesn’t always prepare.

Effort. Work. Hard Work prepares.

Passion. Focus and a willingness to pursue prepares.

I go get it, but I want it given.

I’m an Oxymoron waiting to happen.

Someone please save me from the complicated musings

of my Mind and heart…

…From this unrequited LOVE.

Lead me to real Joy!

Pure Love Everlasting…

The unceasing Love not based on works

but purely on the heart that appreciates

the flaws of Men

and loves past the pain and for them its alright…

      The Love, that judges intentions and the capacity to Love rather than the actions of

Pure Insanity.

Oh Yes! I’m insane. Insanely NORMAL.

Fluttered with words that are limited by

the Explosion of Emotion that has not formally aligned

to trigger settlement, where words express exact Emotional Feeling.

No. I’m tongue-tied. Speaking but not speaking.

My Heart Screams and no one’s hearing.

I’m taken by distraction and the overwhelming silence

and inactivity has left me somewhat speechless.

Lifeless. Monotonous in action

away from the simmering eruption, which awaits

like a ticking time Bomb…

DING! DING!

(Pause)

So Many suggestions; so much advice!

who do I turn to? Where do I thrive?

Who do I lean on when the director is Silent?

My heart!

My heart!

My heart bleeds

Longing for that Passionate Unrequited Love that never seems to end…

Not temporal geniuses of a momentary, yearly infatuation

where the Choice of Love is a DECISION with PAIN

Rather than the EASE of life’s flaws-n-all where you’re taken…

Oh To hear the words

“Bone of my bone,

   Flesh of my flesh…”

I long to return to the Beginning.

Where I once was…

…with my Love before I was yet born…

Till then..? My heart’s on my sleeve while I wait…