Writing is both mask and unveiling. E.B. White
Hey this is a Poem. I needed to find a way to express best what I’ve been probably feeling for a very long time. Sometimes, its very difficult to always express in continuous prose (full sentences…talking….the whole palaver) what you are feeling that it spills into poetic speech and lyrical flow. I was looking for inspiration meanwhile I didn’t realise my inspiration is my wonderland where I reside in my daydreams at the moment…
So Hope you enjoy….
The Storm is Raging,
My Cross still paging,
My Heart keeps aching,
Burning and Staking…
But you are consistent.
You are my baby…
My heart’s got me going crazy,
And this Love’s got me racing…
Can’t see; Can’t eat; Can’t sleep!
What the hell am I doing here?
Can’t move. Can’t breathe…
Why can’t I see clear?
Break Out, Break Free
in the midst of the storm.
My soul’s gone
cold– real low,
Can’t sort out pain from the ache
of an unrequited love,
& the love of another seems so far-fetched to
I’ve closed to real love
and the addictive poison of loving the love
that you dream loves you back,
That clouds your thoughts; your fears;
Your pains; your vision and it confuses the logic of a
Undisciplined in death,
One favours the journey of the roller-coaster motion
of a very alive beat of a heart~
A Heart unrequited by LOVE…
The Love songs, the sick feelings,
The Longings, The wakings,
when you hear that little voice…
“Let me Love you Instead!”
You respond. you answer.
You fight the withdrawals
of counterfeit temporal fixes of unrequited love.
You open to receive this love, but its hard.
You can’t see; You can’t hear; You can’t feel.
You feel nothing.
So you simply believe….meeting more dissatisfaction ~ A never-ending trap.
A colossal of pain, thoughts, physical drama, physical trauma,
Spirals into an endless hole…
Fight the hole! Fight the emotional addiction! Entertain Logic!
Entertain Soul! Entertain Spirit! Music! Feel! Feel!
Enter into Romance’s Sphere!
But Real Love took me
deeper. Darker. Harder.
“Let me Love you!”
The little Voice cries.
“No! You hurt me! I Love you but you hurt me!”
My voice replies.
Indignant at the realities of my warped views of Love,
The Voice serenades and comforts me. like a blanket
it encircles my being. Yes.
My being within.
Hear my call! Hear my wait!
Then I realise the Voice, the Real Love
took me deeper to hide me. Protect me. Till the appointed Time.
Ahh Yes! Time.
An interesting logic.
An abstract logic.
A logic that transcends Kairos and Kosmos Time.
Oh that you would quickly arrive with a rush!
Yet my heart fears the unknown
and ponders all the negative results and yields to the waiting…
…Hoping to buy time to prepare and that what I’m waiting for would be also prepared…willing…
But Time doesn’t always prepare.
Effort. Work. Hard Work prepares.
Passion. Focus and a willingness to pursue prepares.
I go get it, but I want it given.
I’m an Oxymoron waiting to happen.
Someone please save me from the complicated musings
of my Mind and heart…
…From this unrequited LOVE.
Lead me to real Joy!
Pure Love Everlasting…
The unceasing Love not based on works
but purely on the heart that appreciates
the flaws of Men
and loves past the pain and for them its alright…
The Love, that judges intentions and the capacity to Love rather than the actions of
Oh Yes! I’m insane. Insanely NORMAL.
Fluttered with words that are limited by
the Explosion of Emotion that has not formally aligned
to trigger settlement, where words express exact Emotional Feeling.
No. I’m tongue-tied. Speaking but not speaking.
My Heart Screams and no one’s hearing.
I’m taken by distraction and the overwhelming silence
and inactivity has left me somewhat speechless.
Lifeless. Monotonous in action
away from the simmering eruption, which awaits
like a ticking time Bomb…
So Many suggestions; so much advice!
who do I turn to? Where do I thrive?
Who do I lean on when the director is Silent?
My heart bleeds
Longing for that Passionate Unrequited Love that never seems to end…
Not temporal geniuses of a momentary, yearly infatuation
where the Choice of Love is a DECISION with PAIN
Rather than the EASE of life’s flaws-n-all where you’re taken…
Oh To hear the words
“Bone of my bone,
Flesh of my flesh…”
I long to return to the Beginning.
Where I once was…
…with my Love before I was yet born…
Till then..? My heart’s on my sleeve while I wait…
“Life is like a box of Chocolates…you never know what you’re goin’ get!” ~Forrest Gump
One of my fav quotes from an AWESOME Film. #TomHanksyouthebombdiggidy
Maya Angelou ~ “There’s no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.”
Ernest Hemingway ~ “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”
Before I start, I must say thank you to my friend the Valiant Sheep because a phrase he said to me this evening has helped me write tonight. So here goes…!
Maya Angelou is one of my favourite book writers and has been able to capture my heart many a times in her books and he writings. And like her, there are many other writers, like Malorie Blackman, Alan Gibbons and Jane Austen, and Jesus… I find most inspirational, especially those who have trudged through life, pain and glory to experience in every sense of the word “LIFE”, and have lived to tell the tale in dancing letters on the pages of books that we read. And Maya Angelou summed it up best in her quote that “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you…” For Real! These are true words and right now I’m experiencing that. And sometimes its felt like there’s nothing to write so as Ernest Hemingway said it best, I’m gonna bleed…
So today, I know it’s been a while since my last post and there have been a million and one things buzzing through my brain and my head that every-time I’ve come to write, I’ve had writers block and the blank page that sat before me became my intimidating mountain suddenly – Huh, how can it happen to a talkative like me? 😉 well, in addition to other things it has been a growing frustration as there have been so many ideas and so many things I’d love to do and write and the endless possibilities of doing many things have been endless but between me and my dream just appears to be this wall and road block. It’s frustrating.
I’m growing, yes. Like many of us are. Yet I feel stagnant like still life. Recently, I completed a course and since then it’s been a “now what?” situation. I also completed a bible reading marathon with my young people successfully in less than 72 hours (which was awesome and beautiful by the way! So many people came to help out and for that I am eternally grateful! There are amazing testimonials surrounding it… maybe that will be another post) and after that it was a “now what?” situation.
I went to many other events that were amazing and was set on fire in my heart with a passion for life and people and souls and to keep going and then I met another “Now what?” situation. By the end of all this, though I had been filled and was left to a degree, satisfied, it was only temporary as I met a huge challenge. My health – again! And also, I tried and have been trying to figure out where I was headed next. Money was and probably still is an issue and although I’m not worried and the Lord has amazingly provided for me week to week, I’ve been fighting feelings of being stuck, trapped, or just waltzing along feeling lazy and then condemned, then fighting back, then keeping positive and fighting to remain focused and “fighting the good fight of faith” then, struggling with physical pain and false accusations… the list goes on and on etc., it’s brought me to my knees in prayer to question what is it? And what do I need to do to just break out on the next level or chapter of my life? Because I’m neither in the last season and not properly landed in the new…
Which way to go God?
Even with writing or music or with the many other talents I have, what the heaven does Heaven want me to do with all the talents at this time? And what does he want me to use? And why do I feel so average? Why so distant? And yet You (God) talk to me every day?! Yup. This is just a glimpse of the thousand and one questions buffeting my thoughts but I fight them by pressing and forging ahead and taking each day as it comes, just believing and working hard. But guess what? Aside from the blood, sweat and tears, I’m exhausted. I’m tired. Yes, I sound like a moaner but I know that I’m strong and my Maker is my strength , but I got to let this out and when the battle is constant, and it feels like you’re not getting anywhere, you start to quiver or shake (I’m not shaking I’m just tired…just to clarify)
Then I feel the word, “Wait”. Well, what does that mean for me in this instance? Then the imagery of a waiter in a restaurant comes to me. I understand. While I’m waiting for answers and breakthroughs, I should serve even if it’s giving me peanuts. And whilst I’m serving, “Wait” on the Lord and serve others. But right now, everything has been at a bit of a standstill because I’ve been recovering from a bout of health challenges…
Ah well, the Lord is my strength! As you know by now, I keeps it real!
What else happened today? Oh yes! Also, the Lord kept bringing by friend’s article to me today so I decided to re-ready his post again today and two phrases this time jumped off the page at me (not literally but you get what I mean and every time I read this article I always find something new…it’s good to re-read stuff) which obviously I’d seen before but not like the way the Lord kept ministering (showing and using it to speak) to me on them today… the phrases “Fit for Him” (which he highlighted btw) and “at last” (highlighted also)… (you should check it out ‘cause the article is amazing! I recommend it: http://wwwvaliantsheep.com/2012/10/she-will-come.html )
“Fit for him…This at last is bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;” ~Gen 2:18-24
What hit me about the phrases was the sense of satisfaction that came with them that I hadn’t read or felt before when reading this particular verse. Then in addition to this, it felt really strange because today, all he’s been doing other than that verse and the article is he’s been bringing old skool love songs and memories and thoughts to me that I haven’t even thought or heard of for a very long time. I was laughing, crying, and singing along loudly (yes I is proud!) and even just at one point, just quiet and in daydream land, aside from sleeping and pain management (thank God for morphine tablets…hate them but they working…)! I really recommend you read the article so you understand what I’m talking about…and there are others! (Oh yes my dear friend, shout out to the Valiant Sheep!)
Here’s a like to one of the songs that have been in my head all day…
Look…here’s the deal. There’s been this building and growing frustration for a manifestation of something that writing, or working doesn’t seem to be hitting the mark and it just seems like a block…so I decided to just rest in Him (especially during these last two weeks of palaver…) – The Lord that is- just thinking about him, praying, reading (well not much of that but more listening) and just letting him love me. Obviously. But the more I rest, the more this growing frustration keeps kicking… a just-want-to-break-out-and-breakthrough kinda thing? Like, you know something’s coming but you don’t know how to position yourself or what you need to do exactly to connect or access what it is and you feel it’s something big and every time it’s like…Gosh why am I still here??
And as I write, I’m reminded of what the Lord said to me last week using a famous quote from one writer who wrote in James 1:2-4 “count it all Joy…whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance and patience. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything…” Then I understood, and this time this word has been rather comforting to me rather than a rebuke or a telling off for those who don’t understand what rebuke means. So therefore, whilst I wait, I being transformed from the Caterpillar I once was, to the cocoon I’m now in where the growing pains and growing frustrations of life will lead me to the point, where like an eagle in a chicken’s pen I break out and fly like the butterfly I was born and supposed to be. Till then, I will wait and when the time to tell my story arrives, it will be told in all its fullness, purity lacking nothing so that he that has an ear can hear what my Spirit is saying…
Thanks for watching me bleed…now to mop up the mess! Now, where is that mop? Oh and where to start…? Cinderella…
As ever, Keeping it Real,
Peace, The Elected Lady xx
So, I realise I do have the gift of the gab! so to break away from the norm this time I just want to leave you with a thought and with some of my favourite pictures and songs to ponder over because I keeps it real:
“I’ve got the Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy, down in my heart! Where? Down in my heart? Where? Down in my heart! I got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart! where? down in my heart to stay!! =) these are childhood memories but they will forever remain with me as today this echoes and resounds what i feel inside!! :p you need the heart and the faith of a child to appreciate the simple things of life… I got the Rest, Rest Rest Rest down in my heart…” And above all else, you are Royalty. No amount of money or authority can change the status of who you are born to be and that is Royal. Therefore, cultivate a culture of honour, purity and Royalty because that IS who you are ~ Elected Lady xx
JOYFUL JOYFUL – SISTER ACT 2
JOYFUL JOYFUL – LAURA HACKETT VERSION
RESTING PLACE – DEITRICK HADDON
FLORENCE AND THE MACHINES – COSMIC LOVE
…ROYAL BY BLOOD; ROYAL BY NATURE…
Forgive me. I ask that you my faithful readers would indulge me another day whilst I’m in this state of verbal diahorrea this week!
The rain fell like spears, yet in stark contrast I remained dry under the shield of my huge black brolly which resembles that of a witch’s hat. I had just been at church minding the youth whilst facilitating the weekly choir/band practice at the same time. Oh yes, the sacrifice that goes with multi-tasking is painstakingly rewarding…mind my dry attempt at sarcasm.
Anyway, tonight I just want to rant a little so there is no method to this particular madness this wee hours of the morning…
I am provoked. Intensely provoked. Severely. Most ardently weeping with provocation yet frustratingly disarmed. Now ask me why. Why? okay I’ll tell you. here goes:
So, I’m in my element where I literally feel this surge of intense electricity in midst of worshipping my maker with the most amazing people, and as I play intuitively on the keys (piano), I feel this power ricochet down my spine in the most hypnotic yet soothing and comforting way. This freedom oozed to the place where my vocal chords rest -er hem -my throat or for the scientific inclined, the oesophagus. And, like times before where I’ve found myself really relaxed, I begin to sing keys and notes that I don’t usually expect to sing. Like a miracle honey has crawled down my throat to open freshly to sound.
However, the limiting sensations of the “don’t-hurt-your-throat” and “be careful-not-to-lose-your-voice”, “don’t overdo it” niggle from the back of my subconscious mind migrating into my conscious brain. Even more, the pressurising thoughts of, “now you’ve got your voice back, save it for the n:flame celebration on Saturday!” echo through the croaks of an otherwise smooth and leathery voice. Nevertheless, I closed my eyes and pressed ahead. Hey, at the end of the day, as H.O.D you kinda have to get it together! But this wasn’t why I was and am provoked.
The sounds vibrated through my being that it was like ecstasy- like being hit with a love drug! It just increased my love for music. I just totally love music! I really do! I am most myself when I’m either playing the keys or singing or around music, art or when surrounded by creativity because it moves me in ways that the human intellect cannot possible express but only experience. I love the whole performing thing. I love the glitz and the glamour though I find it most superficial half the time. And guess what? I’m not afraid t admit it. I do hate one thing thing though…or a couple of things i.e the politics and the injustice of the music business as a whole. But this does not dissuade me from the fact that I love music.
I just love the language of music. Now that’s my love language. You can be a part of any other culture and speak a different tongue but the language of music is one tongue. Gosh, I love music!
Any how, back from cloud nine! So, I’m high on air gassing over the beauty of practicing for Sunday’s service, whilst contemplating a second cancellation of a cinema visit with my sister (sorry Unique Individual! love you) and then feeling guilty for even entertaining such thought; when 20:45 arrived and the anxious, telling voice of my beloved sister declaring “we’ve got to go!” bellows from the main sanctuary as I say my goodbyes to my mum and Sis Jane. One massage, a kiss and kicking out my most beloved teens, we escape for some sisterly bonding. After a conversation later and a 10 minute bus wait, we board bus 313 and headed to cineworld cinema ~ a 3/5 minute journey for the most aid travellers.
On alighting the bus later at the Great Cambridge road bus stop, we embark on the brisk walk on the rain to the cinema. Up the stairs we ascended and then we took a left into the cinema foyer whilst discussing the interesting events of my sister’s day at work. Because I was undecided as to what film to watch, i eventually decided that I would scan my options, as you do. Well, there were only two films showing at the time that we arrived. One about the House on the End of the Street and Sparkle. OO, now that caught my attention!
Not only was I intrigued about Sparkle, but I was attentive especially since I knew that one of my biggest inspirations in music by the name of a certain Ms. Whitney Houston was going to be in it with Jordin Sparks – American Idol winner at least 6 years ago! So it was a win. My Sister and I were going to see Sparkle. Now we had to rush to get in as we were already 10 minutes into the adverts when we had arrived at the cinema.
Now, we can get to why I’m provoked. Well this film pressed so many buttons in me on so many levels in a such a musical and Spiritual way. Especially with Whitney Houston and TD. Jakes being the producers of the film. Watching my inspiration on film and seeing how old she was and the sharp realisation that she is well and truly gone conjured up huge emotions in me. My emotions were scattered and I wore my heart on my sleeve tonight whilst I watched my passion unfold before my eyes. Music. Writing. Song writing. I recognised in the character that Jordin Sparks played, something that I saw in me. I recognised the passion. The ability. The gift. Flashbacks of similarities with dream girls and the whole blast from the past of old skool gospel with a colourful mix of mowtown and the 60’s/70’s with the tethering ending of the rock’n’roll era (which has never fully ended tbh). The way she hit high notes effortlessly, and performed to huge audiences provoked me because its what I felt I was born to do. To sing. Not necessarily for people but just that atmosphere just pulled on so many nerves that i felt had been deadened by disappointed dreams that I let lie. I was provoked as watching reminded me of what my Pastor said on Wednesday night during a study “dare to dream again…” But should I? I don’t even know what to dream again?! Most of my desires have changed over the years and probably matured. When I was 14, just being a popstar would have sufficed and everything associated with it but now, it doesn’t matter so much to me now, although sometimes I do dream. I want to be able to impact and influence people through music but I don’t really want the fame or the whole gimmicks, though I love the fashion and the glamour and everything. I just want to be able to be me without those demons who help make your money yet break you . Yes the ones they call Paparazzi.
I’m just so provoked! All I want to do is to do what Sparkle did and yet still have a beautiful relationship with a guy that supported her. And God I really do miss Whitney Houston. I feel cheated ’cause as a kid, I always dreamed of meeting her and doing duets with her. Well that’s not happening now…
Anyways I had to get this off my chest. So what’s the end of the matter? well there’s no end really except to seek and find what next and take each day as it comes and learn to dream again…keeping things simple and keeping the main thing the main thing makes a lot of difference because I’m too tired to allow confusion in my life anymore. Rant over.
Here’s some soul food in memory of one of music’s legends in the last 40 years…
keeping it real, peace out! Elected Lady xx